Tears Before Class

So...I've been sharing my "weight issues" with a you all for a little while now - I've somehow morped into an unrecognizable form in the past few months and I realize it's time to take care of it...

On Tuesdays, I have class from 1-5 - that's one class with only a half an hour break. It's pretty much impossible for me in a half an hour to go to the restroom, and find time to go downstairs to the lunchroom, stand on a long line and make it back to class on time - and in addition to that pay for overpriced food. So my solution has been to eat a larger lunch, that way I can stay full until I get back home for dinner at around 6 or 7 - I don't do this everyday, just on Tuesdays because of my schedule.

One of my uncles is here visiting from Jamaica, and my aunt was here at the house waiting for him so that she could take him out. As I took my plate out of the mircowave my aunt walks in the kitchen and proceeds to rip my heart out:

"Why are you eating so much?"
"Look how much weight you've put on!"
"I can't believe you look like this!"...
...on and on and on

I tried to ignore her and explain my logic but I couldn't even get a word in - finally I snapped back and told her that I'm stressed out and if she wants me to loose weight then she needs to find a way to eliminate all the stress out my life - then she starts asking me what I'm stressed about and continues going on and on (I had no idea what she was saying at this point but I was furious and trying my hardest not to be rude to her)

Finally I couldn't handle it anymore, so I threw the plate down and went into my room to gather my things to leave for school. I slammed the door shut, put a lock on it and found myself crying as I brushed my teeth in the bathroom. I heard knocks on my door and my aunts voice asking me to let her in. I didn't want her to see me crying so I tried to wipe my face and distract myself by packing up my bag after finally letting her in. She started apoligizing - I started getting my stuff so that I could get the hell away from her. She realized I wasn't listening to her, and then hugged me to make sure I couldn't go anywhere. She started apoligizing over and over, she told me that she was sorry for embarressing me (in addition to my uncle being a witness, so was my mothers friend who was also at the house at the time), she told me that was concerned and only wanted to best for me, and some other stuff but I just wasn't listening at all. I finally looked at her and she was crying (didn't move me a bit). She tried to give me $20 to buy something to eat once I got to school because I was leaving without a meal - she kept apoligizing and I just wanted her to let me go. Finally I lied and said I was going to be late for class (I was gonna be an hour early, I just wanted to get the hell out the house). With my head down so that no one could see my tears, I said bye to my uncle and my moms friend and got the hell out of dodge, as my aunt slipped the $20 I refused to take from her in my bag.

With my tires screeching out of the driveway and the tears still flowing, I called my fiance. He was furious! This wasn't the first, second or third time that she had commented on my weight - actually it got to a point where my mother stepped in and told her that she needed to stop. She hasn't said anything since then, but yesterday she went on a full on attack and being so fragile at that moment by all the other things going on I finally just broke down. I am not a cryer, so for her to see me cry was a really big deal and I guess she did feel really bad.

But as I was trying to explain to her people handle stress in different ways: some loose weight, some gain weight, some people lash out at others, so people cry etc. I just so happen to be one of the people who pack on the pounds when elements of my life are out of order. I don't feel as though some one needs to throw it in my face or make a comment - I do have a mirror and I can see it myself. Although my weight is an issue at this moment, it's not the most important thing to me and I do have other things going on for myself besides the way I look - I'm intelligent, I'm creative, I have a man who loves me (at any size), and other family members who look out for me.

There is no doubt in my mind that I will be a healthier weight by the time my wedding day rolls around. I'm willing to put in the time and effort - but I'm going to do it on MY time, not someone elses.

3 comments :

AmyJean {Relentless Bride} said...

OMG. Your family sounds like my family! Sadly, when i was about 30 lbs lighter back in the day, they would still comment on how chubby I was. A size 7/8 and i was "fat". now i'm much heavier and their concern is my weight but more my health. I've realized the negative attitude that my family has towards weight, has been so ingrained in me that back when i was a normal weight, i still felt like a huge cow. It didn't help that most of my friends - being Korean were like size 0/2's.

With all my negative experiences, i am trying to maintain a healthy positive attitude now. It's not about weight, its about health. It's about being strong and beautiful at any size, as long as our attitude is healthy.

You will look gorgeous on your wedding day (you already do now)! Just keep up the good work. It's a slow arduous process, but your health with thank you for your hard work and determination!

Sometimes the ones we love hurt us the most with such unfiltered words... but remember, family does love us - they just always have a weird way of showing it!

EliandMe said...

I have struggled with my weight for years. I am finally on a positive path towards a healthy weight and all of a sudden certain members of my family have started in with 'oh you don't want to lose any more, you will look ill, it won't suit you, have you got an eating disorder' etc etc. These were the same people that criticised me for being fat!

You sound like you have got a really healthy attitude and positive mind frame so you ignore the haters girl and get on with what you need to do.

T. E. C. said...

'MAYA ANGELOU'S'

BEST POEM EVER


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough
money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
something perfect to wear
if the employer, or date of her dreams
wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD
HAVE .
a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
a past
juicy enough that she's looking forward
to retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and...
a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
one friend who always makes her laugh..
and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a good piece of furniture
not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal,
that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
a feeling of control
over her destiny..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD
KNOW...
how to fall in love
without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend,
without ruining the friendship..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder...
and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...
but it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do...
for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....
how to live alone...
even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY
WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. .
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
or a charming Inn in the woods....
when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
What she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month... and a year...



AND
REMEMBER:

GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS.

YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,

BUT YOU ALWAYS KNOW THEY ARE
THERE!!!!!!


Be yourself...everyone else is
already
taken.

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