getting better.getting worse.

Since everything happened, I haven't been alone - not once - except for today.

Today I had 2 hours to myself.

My husband drops me off to my sisters when he's going to work and picks me up after. If she has an appointments where I can't accompany her, she'll drop me off at my dads house and then gets me after. Everyone has been scared to leave me alone but I told my sister that I'd be ok today for that short time.

The thing is, if I'm not around anyone and have no one to talk to, my mind starts running wild. I still cry everyday, but I'm doing much better than before. One of my biggest struggles is dealing with the flashbacks. Randomly, moments from the day Jolie was born will pop up in my head and will bring me right back to that space - my watering breaking on the toilet - giving birth to my daughter just a few minutes later on my sisters couch - the chaos in the house - being in the ambulance, crying - watching my husband crying and praying while he's holding our daughter as EMS gives her oxygen...

There are times when I blame myself for what happened.

There are times when I feel that God did this to punish me.

There are times when I feel as though I'm making up this whole thing and the only thing that makes it real is the picture that I keep of my daughter as the screen saver on my cell phone. The nurses had taken a photo of her for me. I took a picture of the picture to keep on my phone, because one day while at my sisters I just needed to see Jolie's face and I couldn't, which resulted in a meltdown - now I look at her whenever I want.

There are times when I cry myself to sleep praying that I will see her in my dreams.

Sometimes I feel that I'm getting better and there are moments when I'm sure I'm going ten steps back. Everyone says this is normal - but sometimes I feel crazy and as though I'm never going to be able to get past this. Never in a million years did I think I'd be waiting for a funeral home to call me back, to tell me when I can pick up my child's ashes.

I would do ANYTHING, ANYTHING, ANYTHING to still be pregnant today.


Jeanette said...

****BIG HUGS****

You have described the same feelings I had after I lost my first child. When people who know tell you it's normal to feel like you're not making progress, they're right.

Trust me, you WILL get through this.
You are NOT crazy, and
You ARE getting stronger.

With a loss of this magnitude, it simply takes more time to heal. Your family has your back, and that's a true blessing.

And I LOVE what you said in the "Dedication" section of your blog..."I am still a mommy."

Indeed you are.

Be blessed!

JIN @ The BrownBerry said...

thank you Jeanette

Totally Inspired said...

I totally agree with Jeanette. You are not crazy, You will get through this... and your feelings are normal. You have to remind yourself of this everytime the emotions come. In some small way, we have to allow our emotions to happen but not allow them to consume us. One day, very soon, you will see all that we have tried to explain. And your strength in this experience will come to help someone else.
Stay Blessed!

JIN @ The BrownBerry said...

thanks Kameel...I appreciate your support


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