I know that the present is a gift, but some days are downright unbearable - yesterday started out as one of those days. I returned to work on Monday - everyone welcomed me back - I did pretty good except for a short crying episode in the restroom during the last hour of work which I was able to quickly recover from.
I was feeling ok as I drove into work yesterday morning. I spoke to my mom on the phone and since I got to work a little early, I picked up a book I've been reading over the past couple days. All of a sudden a rush of grief came over me and I just started balling. I knew I had to pick up Jolie's urn after work,so perhaps that made me extra emotional. I feel as though she knew I would be picking her up that day, because as I cried, plastered in my mind was the image of her when she was first born - I could see her as if she was right in front of me. Everything was so clear - down to her fingernails. I cried for about 15 minutes unable to get out the car. I called my husband who managed to calm me down for the most part. I wiped my tears away and started to walk in the building.
As soon as I got in one of my friends said hi to me and I just collapsed in her arms and started crying. She took me to the bathroom where I was held up for about half an hour - I just couldn't stop crying. I haven't cried that much since I was in the hospital and usually I've been able to regroup pretty quickly - not yesterday. Nothing was calming me down, I just couldn't get myself back together. Finally one of the girls got one of our managers to come in and speak to me because they felt I wasn't ready to come back to work - she agreed. She spoke to HR, who told her to have me take the rest of the week off and then call on Friday to let them know if I needed more time. I couldn't even drive. Luckily my dad lives nearby, and was able to pick me up a few minutes after I called him.
I ended up passing out on my dads couch and woke up with a really bad headache. A few hours later my best friend picked me up to drive me to the funeral home to pick up Jolie's urn. Her urn is a little copper box (now pink) that has her name and birthday inscribed, as well as a picture of a baby girl angel. I cried for a bit as we drove away.
My best friend then drove us out to our hometowns look out area to calm my mind for a bit. She also took me to Five Guys for the first time - which had the most delicious burger I've ever eaten - and I don't eat burgers, lol. She kept a smile on my face the whole time, I laughed so hard - she's been my bestfrind since I was 10 years old.
I made it home with Jolie's urn later in the evening and put it on a spot on her very own shelf that we've left open for her since we decided to get her creamated. Now she's home with us among our wedding picture and I feel like my little family is all together. Strangely enough, my mind seems to be more at ease now that she's home.
Yesterday was such an emotional day and I can't believe it marked a month since Jolie's birth.
I'm sure as time goes on I'll be able to better cope.
...now I'm home till Friday...