she's having a baby.

On the day that I interviewed for what will soon be my former job, I met a girl named "M". She had an amazing aura about her and we soon got comfortable with each other very fast. Very fast meaning that she told me about loosing two babies on the first day I met her. One she lost through a miscarriage another she delivered pre-term (like me) and that baby had a heart condition. I met her in February, her second child had just passed November of last year. My jaw was on the floor when she told me her story, I told her that I could not imagine ever loosing a child and that I knew if I did, I'd never recover from it.

Little did I know that during that conversation I was pregnant.

Little did I know that just a few months later, I'd loose a child too.

Fast forward to a few weeks after my daughter died. I had to go to my job to drop off a doctors note informing  HR that I would be out for a few weeks. I didn't want anyone to see me, but as soon as I walked in, "M" was sitting in the reception area. If I had to see anyone, I'm glad it was her. She asked me what happened, and surprisingly I was able to get through the story without crying - something I wasn't able to do with anybody else at that time. 

I felt comfort in talking to her, because she was the only other person that knew exactly what I went through and how I was feeling. She was the only other person I knew personally that had to hold her deceased baby in her arms and say good-bye. When a baby passes away, the hospital staff will always give you the option to spend time with your baby. When the nurse initially asked us, my husband and I said no. She gave us a little while, and came around to ask us again, explaining to us that this is how parents find closure. We decided it would be ok. It did turn out to be a good thing. I'll never forget how warm she was felt, dressed in a outfit the hospital provided - she looked so peaceful - her features were just like mine - she was just...asleep...

..."M" and I spoke about that for a while. She spent time with her little boy after he passed as well and our feelings were so similar - finally someone understood how I felt. 

She asked me if I thought I would ever try again - I told her I wasn't sure. She looked me in the eyes and told me that if I felt that I was meant to be a mother, to never give up. She then told me she was now pregnant. My heart sank. She said she knows she's meant to be a mother, therefore she didn't have a choice but to try again. She admitted she was nervous as hell, and she didn't even announce it to her entire family in fear that she would loose a third baby. 

...fast forward to now, she's only about two and a half weeks away from her due date (Christmas Day to be exact) and baby is healthy - she's had a completely normal pregnancy - another boy. I can't put into words how full of joy my heart is for her. I've never been so happy for someone in my life. I tell her all the time that she gives me hope - I can't imagine how excited her and her husband are.

I'm now at a strange place. I've accepted Jolie's death and have even submitted my paperwork for the high risk pregnancy program at the new hospital I'll be going to. They've received my paperwork, and should be getting back to me in the next few days for my husband and I to do a consultation/recommendation for my next pregnancy. From there, we'll have to do genetic testing and lots of other tests before trying to conceive again. Once I get pregnant, I'll be heavily monitored, going to the doctors more frequently, and possible bed rest for who knows how long. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the next chapter, but I am nervous. At this time, there is no scientific reason as to why I went into labor so early which puts me at a high risk for it happening again. I can't imagine going through this again nor can I imagine being in bed. barely able to do anything for months, just waiting...waiting...waiting...but I know that like "M", I am meant to be a mother, so I'm ready to do what I have to do...because I now know that I'm stronger than I thought.


...
By the way, this episode of Oprah's Lifeclass LITERALLY saved my life - true story


6 comments :

Sn3akrFr3akr said...

I love you. I, too feel like motherhood is in my cards. God does everything when he knows we are ready for it. You are immeasurably strong for what you have endured and been able to recover from. As your emotions stable, you prepare yourself for the journey again. We are right here with you. You know my story. I love you...

JIN @ Love,Loss + Lacquer said...

love u kimi - can't wait to see u

JIN @ Love,Loss + Lacquer said...

yes I saw that episode as well - it made me cry...because for the past few years I've been wondering what my purpose is, and for all I know, it may just be motherhood. we'll see :) thanks for stopping by latoya - you're a doll

JIN @ Love,Loss + Lacquer said...

You're gonna be a great mom Ro, don't worry about it. Please don't be discouraged at all, God has his plans for each and every one of us and like I said, the biggest lesson I've learned this year is that we're stronger than we think. What happened to me is not a regular occurrence - I haven't explained EXACTLY what happened, but it's not something that you should put on your head at all. You'll be fine. When God thinks we're ready, he will bless us with healthy children - I promise :)

Ro said...

THANK you!! :-)

I BLEED PINK said...

Thanks for being so brave and open and sharing your story.

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