when a black girl goes to therapy...

[ photo credit: for me, for you ]
There are moments when I'm in the middle of writing a post and then I think, "I'm sharing way too much" and will then proceed to erase everything. I would like to think that one of the reasons you read my blog is because of my honesty (although I generally try to keep things light around here), but sometimes I think I may be putting a little too much out there. This post in particular is one that I'm on the fence about, but I do believe that I'll be hitting the Publish button for a few reasons. Since my daughters passing, I've received emails for some of you who have been through similar situations or know someone who has (or is currently going through it). As a woman, the worst thing that could ever happen to you, is to loose a child or have a pregnancy come to a tragic end due to miscarriage, preterm labor or stillbirth. After my own loss, women I know have opened up to me about their own situations - some of these women are those who I've known my whole life that I'd never knew this about prior. My co-worker shared with me that her daughters friend recently lost her baby to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome at 3 months old - another friend lost twins 7 months along in her pregnancy - a woman I know lost her first two babies, one a miscarriage at six months, and the second went full term but was still born, before she went on to having three more children. Another woman I know can't get pass being two months pregnant, she miscarries at that point every single time. Someone else I know gave birth to a stillborn little girl, and has yet to recover from it 14 years later.

There are couples who have lost their marriages over this. One woman pulled me aside and with a stern look in her eyes she told me, "Don't forget about your husband because he is hurting too. When that happened to me, I forgot about mine." - she is currently divorced, and from that statement, I safely presumed that her loss of pregnancy was at least part of the reason. During a recent conversation with my pastor he asked how this was affecting our marriage - because it does have an effect on your marriage. In my case, loosing Jolie has brought my husband and I even closer together, if that was even possible. I have such greater respect and love for the man I married and although I believed in his love for me before, I can say without a shadow of doubt that he loves me. I was not in the right state of mind after this initially happened he made sure to never leave my side when I was in the hospital - not to go home and shower, not to eat and even slept in the hospital bed with me every night despite how uncomfortable that was for him.

Despite all the support I have from my husband, my friends and my family, it's become clear to me that I may need additional help. A few weeks ago I went to the hospital to pick up a picture of Jolie that I'd been waiting on for what seemed like forever. It didn't go very well. Let's just say that I wasn't allowed to look at the photo for a while after that, and when I did look at it again a few weeks later - it was completely different from what I saw initially, or rather, what I thought I saw. Granted, I have a picture of Jolie on my cell phone - it doesn't bother me at all. Whenever I think about her, I look at the picture and I smile. But in the new photo I've received, all I see is a dead baby. I got so angry the first time I saw it - angry at the nurse for bringing me this picture, angry at the person who took the picture, angry at myself - I was not well.

During that visit to the hospital, the nurse referred me to someone after seeing what kind of state I was in...I'm sure she thought I was a nut job. I'm going to my first appointment tomorrow. I don't know what to expect. Am I gonna have to lay down on a chaise and purge my feelings? Is she going to think I'm crazy and have me committed into a psych ward? What kind of questions will she ask me? Is this even going to help? Who the heck is this lady anyway?

What I do know is that I would eventually like to have people not look at me with such sadness for me in their eyes anymore - I would like to not feel sad everytime I see a pregnant person or a newborn baby - I would like to stop having random meltdowns - I'd like to stop asking God, "why?" this happened to us - I'd like for my husband to not find me crying with our daughters urn in my hand - I feel bad about not being able to go to my husbands, cousins baby shower this past weekend, and not even being able to bring myself to go into Babys'R'Us to pick up a gift - I'd like to not have to change the channel every time a commercial comes on with a baby in it...I'd like to be able to enjoy my next pregnancy without being paranoid and I'd like to be in the moment with my next child and not heavily grieving over the first.

I entitled this post "When A Black Girl Goes To Therapy" because therapy is such a taboo thing in the Black community and practically non-existent in the Caribbean community. For whatever reason, we don't feel like we need it, and should you admit to going, you'll get the inevitable side eye usually followed by a rampage of questions as well as the occasional belittling comments. I'm not gonna lie, when one of my good friends told me she was going to therapy for depression a few years back, I could not for the life of me understand why she needed to talk to a stranger about her feelings - a lot of us didn't - now I get it. I told another friend of mine that I was going to start going, and she admitted me that her and her husband had been to a few counseling sessions and it has helped their marriage tremendously. She then said, "you know Black people don't like counseling - but it works" - lol.

Fortunately for me, my family and friends are very supportive. I'm nervous but excited to be moving in a positive direction.

I don't really know what my purpose is in writing this post today. Maybe someone, somewhere needed this today - or knows someone who does. Maybe someone may need it in the future.

I guess I want you to know, if you've been through something traumatic, or something that you feel you can't handle - it's ok to seek help, it doesn't make you weak. Or maybe you may be looking down on someone you consider weak, please know that they're not. We never know what someone has been through or are going through. Even if they share their story - you still may not grasp the severity of it, especially if it isn't something you've been through yourself.

Hiding one's feelings isn't good either. It will somehow manifest itself into some other area of your life.

I'm not an expert on anything. The only thing I do know, is that holding my deceased baby in my arms to say goodbye to her just a few hours after giving birth to her and watching the nurse take her away a few minutes later knowing that I would never be able to hold her again is not an everyday occurrence or something I can just "get over".

to therapy I go...

vegas: in conclusion

So these are my last batches of my vacay and then I'll shut up about it...I promise.

In all, I LOVE Las Vegas! There was so much to process when we got there, that we didn't do half the things that we initially planned on doing - so I'm definitely looking forward to going back in the next few months. We already have the placed lined up for where we're going to stay next time and it's SICK! But let me not get ahead of myself...on the last day I was so not ready to leave. Vegas is certainly a place to go to escape and create your own version of reality...Lord knows I needed that!

the ceiling of The Venetian Hotel
our amazing hotel...we love it there!
I'm not the only one who recently left town - check out my cousin's recent trip to Puerto Rico .The Mr and I were planning on soaking up the sun in PR for our anniversary this November, but since he already took time off for LV, it doesn't look like it's going to happen. For now I'll live vicariously through Kimi.

on our third day in vegas {beyond photo heavy}

we hotel hopped + we ate

and oh yea...I was called on stage during
"The Mentalist" and my husband didn't
record it...he has since been fired as my video guy

on our second day in vegas.

First off...why is it so cold today? I went for a walk at lunch yesterday and it was gorgeous outside, by the time work was over - it was freezing. I mean...it's not FREEZING per say - but this cold front just means to me that winter is going to show up any second. I'm so scared. It's probably going to start snowing tomorrow - I can't do this people. Winter never bothered me before when I lived here, but after living in South Florida for a couple years and coming back - I can't do it anymore.

...you guys don't care about this right?

...yea didn't think so...

...back to the Vegas pictures...
my outfit for the day.breakfast via room service.essie "fifth avenue"
It didn't take us long to realize that most of our money was going to be spent on food. I wish someone had told me how expensive food was in Vegas! There was food everywhere - delicious and luxurious food! I ate so much with not ounce of guilt - mainly because I was walking up and down That Strip in the hot sun...I know I burned a ton of calories. Besides, its vacation - who cares? My husband went in on his seafood plate at lunch - mussels, salmon, lobster and pasta. The waiter said my hubby was the first person he's ever seen finish that entire plate. We also ate a chocolate cake for dessert, that had chocolate mousse and chocolate sauce on top - it took us hours to eat it little by little because it was so sweet.
this place is so cute, it's called "Sweet Chill"...it was located in our hotel
We had to stop by Jean Philippe's which was located on the 1st floor our hotel. I've been wanting to try French Macaroons FOREVER and I figured that my first time should be from a world renowned pastry chef. Of course I got distracted by everything. I was a kid a candy store - literally! I felt bad for my poor husband who had to deal with me spinning in circles...touching everything...smooching my face against glass displays...eventually he bought me the macaroons and dragged me out of there.
Reflecting back on these pictures are a sweet ending to my week - I'm so glad I decided to go on this trip. My real life is so serious right now and I have a lot of heavy stuff coming up that I'm mentally preparing for. I have lots more pictures to share - thanks for stopping by and showing love!

Enjoy your weekend everyone.

Paris...in Vegas

Our travel to Vegas was brutal! We barely got any sleep the night before the trip and then had to be at the airport around 5:30am to catch a 7am flight. Then we had a four hour layover in Utah and landed in Vegas at 2:15pm which was actually 5:15pm New York time. By the time we got to the hotel we were hungry and exhausted. As soon as we got to our room, we opted for the high priced room service because we needed food right that second, lol. I do have to say, the food was amazing even for the casual dishes that we ordered.

After a soak in the tub we hit The Strip to see what it was all about. I immediately became enamored with the Paris area since that is one of places I'm dying to visit. The architecture was amazing and the outdoor cafes were reminiscent of what I've seen from the actual city on tv. Not before long, we found ourselves tired from the traveling and the time difference. We joked that as we were on our way up to the room, everyone was getting ready to leave.
our hotel @ night
the light fixtures by the elevators that I was obsessed with

LAS VEGAS | Our Room

This Las Vegas trip was intended to be a surprise gift for my husbands 30th birthday - although he ended up finding out days before the trip we still had an amazing time. Not knowing a single thing about Vegas, I asked my friends for hotel suggestions and ended up settling on this one...and I was not disappointed. With it's masculine and modern decor, I knew this room would be right up my husbands alley. By the touch of a button, you can control everything in the room from the navigation remote - lighting, the curtains, temperature, privacy settings for the room - there was barely a reason to leave the bed. The service at this Five Diamond resort was exceptional - we loved it here and wouldn't mind returning in the future. I have lots more to share about the resort itself, but for now, here is where we laid our heads for the duration of our trip...
the view from our room: one of the pools from the adjoining Cosmopolitan Hotel


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