|[ yesterdays grocery shopping trip ]|
Good morning everyone! I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you for the comments and emails I've received regarding Jolie's Story. Sometimes I sit in tears reading your notes. They mean a lot.
This is a very lonely healing process. Yes I have the support of my family and the most incredible husband, but I am the one that carried her, felt her movements and gave birth to her. In the beginning, I used to get upset that people didn't understand what I was feeling - but they can't. I get it now. Everyone's experience is different, even in loss. Sometimes I have to unplug because there seems to be a pregnancy announcement or birth announcements every few seconds, though in reality it's not that frequent - but it feels that way. It's challenging when it seems like everyone is bringing their baby home when I left the hospital empty-handed...and when most of the women you've connected with in the baby loss community are getting pregnant again, and you still aren't.
Sometimes pregnancy seems like an unattainable concept to me...like it's never going to happen again. And yes, there is a part of me that fearful having experienced first hand what could go wrong. How did I get so unlucky? Sometimes I envision myself fully immersed in motherhood. There's a constant back and forth with my feelings and the decision of if I even want to try again. There's a constant fight to drown out the negative thoughts that plague me. I continue to do my best to choose happiness and still be grateful throughout the day, even when I feel like throwing in the towel.
I don't talk about my feelings in my every day life as I do here on LL&L, so I appreciate that you haven't stopped reading. I'm actually in awe that readership continues to grow, lol. Thank you so much!