I got around to reading the article that Bethenny Frankel penned for Glamour Magazine about her miscarriage. I cried. Truthfully I balled my eyes out. It was as if she were sitting in front of me and we were having a one on one conversation. Her emotions of guilt, having the unfortunate experience of truly understanding how other women who have miscarried have felt...all the myriad of feelings you experience at once within a matter of months, days...minutes.
Through meeting other baby loss mothers there's one emotion that seems to stand out the most among us - shame. There were a few months where I was utterly embarrassed. Really, I can't carry a baby full term? I blamed myself for Jolie being born preterm and saw her death as another failure to add to the long list of things I've done wrong in my life. I failed...and it was my fault. No matter how many times my doctors reassured me that I did everything right. Through therapy, I learned to let go of guilt and shame...but it was a struggle. I would often look around to the other women who was pregnant around the same time I was. Everyone else had their baby while I watched enviously from the sidelines with empty arms. It hurt and I was embarressed about those feelings as well.
11 months later with Jolie's birthday approaching, I'm in a much better place. I've accepted my daughters place in Heaven and the fact that I couldn't control the events of July 2, 2011. No matter how much I try to replay that day and fix things in my mind, this is my new normal. Seeing my daughters urn everyday is normal. My husband and I telling Jolie good night every night before bed is normal. It's our new normal.
Time doesn't always heal all wounds
some wounds are beyond being healed
And time doesn't change anything
They just stop hurting so much