Life Updates & Things

  • Jolie's 1st birthday is coming up on Monday...can you believe it's going to be a year already? I've come such a long way, yet the wound feels so fresh. I'm nervous about it. The Husband couldn't take the day off work, neither could my mother, so I'll be spending the day with my aunt until he gets home from work. This way I'm not at home all day alone with my thoughts. I thought her birthday was falling on Sunday, and we had an entire day planned to go to Miami Seaquarium and then out to dinner, only to realize it's going to be on Monday - nice timing leap year, damn you!  
  • I heard Baby 2.0's heartbeat today! I haven't come up with a nickname for this baby as yet - I guess we'll just call it "Baby" until we find out the gender, lol. We already had a boy and girl name picked out before we even conceived. Baby is due in January and my instincts are telling me it's a boy. Granted, when I was pregnant with Jolie, I just knew it was a boy, only to find that I was having a little girl. We'll see how good my prediction is this time. I'm also thinking of having a Gender Reveal Party...for no reason other than I want to celebrate this baby as much as possible...and eat. 
  • I also officially changed my last name after almost 3 years of marriage, lol. I've never had an issue with changing my name, I just never got around to it. When Jolie was born, her wrist band once we got to the hospital had my maiden name on it and the Husband informed me that will be unacceptable with this new baby, lol. He's not having it again! So...I finally got around to it :)
  • I've been spending an unhealthy amount of time watching Idris Elba on tv. Between his movies, and tv shows, my Netflix and On Demand have been on Idris mode none stop for the past few days. Uuuhhhh that man! I'm obsessed...speaking of "Obsessed", maybe I'll watch that movie next ((writes note to self)). 
  • My cough is still lingering and pissing me off...I've gotten so many people in my family sick
  • Somebody ate my last cupcake...and yes, I'm still angry about it days later
  • I'm starting to miss living in New York...a lot!!!
  • My little sister is growing up so much this summer - I hate it! I wanted her to stay a baby forever and never grow up, but she selfishly continues to mature each day. I made her sign a contract a few years ago that she wouldn't do this, obviously she's now in breach of contract. I borrowed a pair of shoes from her today...since when am I able to do that??? It's freaking me out that we wear the same shoe size now. The day she thinks she's too cool for me and doesn't hold my hand in public anymore will be a tragedy, I will sob uncontrollably. She's 12 and going into the 7th grade this year, so I fear this time is coming to an end soon. How dare her!?!?
  • Are any of you on the 50 Shades of Grey bandwagon? I read the first....and barely have any interest to get through the second, I'm forcing myself. What do you think about the book(s)?
  • ...oh yea, that song and video I included in this my love for this summer ((hits repeat))
what's new with you?

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...WE'RE HAVING ANOTHER BABY this is what's happening in my uterus right now...Jolie's little brother or sister is in there

Between a bladder infection, a trip to the ER due to bleeding, some bed rest and this fever & cough I've been fighting for the past few days, this pregnancy has been quite the challenge so far...but I am Blessed and remaining positive

...the first few days were extremely emotional trying to keep all the negative thoughts at bay due to what I've been through...but every fiber of my being believes that this pregnancy will be full term and I will not leave the hospital empty handed for a second time.

6/23/12 edit:
I just wanted to take a moment to thank you all for the overwhelming amount of kindness and support you've sent my way since deciding to share this news. I appreciate it more than you'll ever understand. God Bless you all :)

The Guilt & Shame of Baby Loss

I got around to reading the article that Bethenny Frankel penned for Glamour Magazine about her miscarriage. I cried. Truthfully I balled my eyes out. It was as if she were sitting in front of me and we were having a one on one conversation. Her emotions of guilt, having the unfortunate experience of truly understanding how other women who have miscarried have felt...all the myriad of feelings you experience at once within a matter of months, days...minutes.

Through meeting other baby loss mothers there's one emotion that seems to stand out the most among us - shame. There were a few months where I was utterly embarrassed. Really, I can't carry a baby full term? I blamed myself for Jolie being born preterm and saw her death as another failure to add to the long list of things I've done wrong in my life. I failed...and it was my fault. No matter how many times my doctors reassured me that I did everything right. Through therapy, I learned to let go of guilt and shame...but it was a struggle. I would often look around to the other women who was pregnant around the same time I was. Everyone else had their baby while I watched enviously from the sidelines with empty arms. It hurt and I was embarressed about those feelings as well.

11 months later with Jolie's birthday approaching, I'm in a much better place. I've accepted my daughters place in Heaven and the fact that I couldn't control the events of July 2, 2011. No matter how much I try to replay that day and fix things in my mind, this is my new normal. Seeing my daughters urn everyday is normal. My husband and I telling Jolie good night every night before bed is normal. It's our new normal.

Time doesn't always heal all wounds
some wounds are beyond being healed
And time doesn't change anything
They just stop hurting so much

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a month away...

Jolie's birthday is now less than a month away.
...I don't know what else to do except cry...
the pain hurts just as much as the night she died
I've been doing my best at staying positive over the last weeks, but it hurts so bad...
I don't wish this on anybody.


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