LOVE, LOSS AND LACQUER

Lacquer Life: MY BUTTER LONDON COLLECTION

2012-01-30T14:00:00.000-05:00

My lacquer obsession has gone to a new level everybody ((hangs head low)). I've been wanting to try Butter London for a long time, but I've never had the heart (or cash) to cough up $14 for a single bottle. There I was perusing the Internet when I decided to take a gander on the blog of a makeup studio I used to assist for. I came across her blog sale selling 11 bottles of Butter London nail polish for $33.00...yes $3.00 per bottle!!! They were testers for the customers, so they've been used - but barely! Except the Tea For A Queen - but who cares! Now that I've been swimming in Butter London, I have to say....it would be worth the $14.00 per bottle. The formula is extremely rich and smooth - like butter....(I swear I didn't intend to be that corny). Here's my loot...

Primose Hill Picnic | Macbeth | Rosie Lee | Snog

West End Wonderland | The Full Monty

La Moss | Chimney Sweep | Artful Dodger

Tea With The Queen | Yummy Mummy

I've been seeing ladies around the internet getting creative with how they use their Birchbox's once they take out all the products - I've decided to use one of mine to safely house my new friends.

Take Care,
Jin

PS: Thank you all for the amazing response to the Isn't She Lovely feature (and thank you again Jin). I can't wait for you all to see who I secured for this weeks feature. You're gonna love it! Enjoy your Monday :)

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Things That Happened + Things I Realized

2012-01-29T20:55:00.003-05:00

This Happened

I bought a Chocolate Peanut Butter Cupcake

I Realized This

I didn't need that cupcake. I wasn't even hungry.

I was being greedy. To top it off, I didn't even like the cupcake. Serves me right.

It also made me realize that I need to start working out again.

Please pray for me, as I'm ordering P90X this week. I refuse to look like this on my 25th birthday!

. . .

This Happened

My period decided to show up again, although I've been trying to get knocked up

I Realized This

Uuuummmm...I should not be trying to have another baby right now.

What was I thinking?

I'd always been very vocal about the fact that I didn't want to bring a child into this world until I

had a career, stacked my bank account to a comfortable number, traveled some more, owned my

own home, and some other stuff - none of which I have accomplished as yet...so why was I trying to

get pregnant? To fill the void of loosing Jolie? When God surprised me with her, I was very happy yet very

worried about what type of life I would be able to provide for her. There are a lot of things that are

up in the air right now, and adding a child would only further complicate things.

I will enter motherhood again when the time is right...that time is not right now.

For Christ sake, I'm only 24 years old - there's no rush.

After all, although my daughter is no longer here in a physical

sense, she's still my child...and I am still her mother

. . .

This Happened

Unexpectedly, Jolie's insurance card was in the mail when I got home Saturday night

I Realized This

I'm lucky to personally know one of my Guardian Angels

Take Care,

Jin

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{ Isn't She Lovely } JIN of "Jinfitness"

2012-01-27T00:00:00.000-05:00

Happy Friday ladies! Today I'd like to present a new feature here on the blog entitled "Isn't She Lovely", where I highlight the authors of some of my favorite blogs. First up is a gorgeous gal who's blog I became obsessed with because we seem to have so much in common - a nail polish obsession, natural hair, an affinity for bright lipstick, and get this...we have the same name! Jin kindly obliged to do this interview for you awesome readers of "Love, Loss and Lacquer" - I hope you enjoy :)

Tell us a little about yourself.

Hi my name is Jin (short for Rajinder) and I blog over at http://www.jinfitness.com/. I’m a Carolina girl. I have a passion for fitness, healthy living, food, and fashion.

You're obviously in great shape now, have you always been health conscious or was it something you became interested in during adulthood?

For as long as I can remember I have been interested in sports and fitness. I spent most of my childhood outside riding bikes, skating, etc. I love fitness so much that I majored in Exercise Science in college. I’ve also competed in a couple fitness competitions.

It's the beginning of 2012 and most of us have made resolutions to loose weight, but we may not know how to get started. What tips do you have someone who feel a little lost or overwhelmed?

I think that you should write a list of realistic goals. Not only do you want to write down your goals BUT you also want to jot down how you plan to achieve that goal, step by step. I was told that it takes 28 days to create a habit. Start out with a small goal like walking 20 minutes per day. Once you are comfortable with that you can start to incorporate new workouts into your routine.

For the ladies who may not have the time or money to make it to the gym, what workouts do you recommended that can be done at home? You don’t need a gym to see results. Running and walking are great workouts that can be done anywhere. I also like http://www.bodyrock.tv/ They have killer workouts that you can do at home.

There are so many temptations on the menu when one goes out to eat, what kind of advice do you have when we're not in our controlled environment at home?

I grew up in a household where my parents cooked 7 days a week. Going out to eat wasn’t an option growing up so I actually prefer eating at home. If I have to go out for food I try to stay away from French fries and fried food. My favorite go to meal is sushi.

Like myself, you seem to love a bold lip - what's your absolute favorite lip stick?

My favorite lipstick is Ruby Woo by MAC

You have gorgeous skin, what are your staple beauty products that you can't live without?

My skin care regimen isn’t that great. Currently I cleanse with a Tea Tree bar soap from Trader Joe’s. At night I apply a thin layer of Olive Oil to my face. In the morning I wash with hot water and apply Origins A Perfect World moisturizer. I exfoliate sometimes but not as much as I should (I always forget ;-/)

What's your favorite nail polish brand and color?

I change my nail polish once or twice a week so I really don’t have a favorite nail color….I like all colors. Currently, my favorite brands are Sally Hansen and Ulta Brand.

I love your natural hair! Have you always been natural? If not, did you do the big chop or did you transition?

I’ve been natural for a little over two years. I transitioned by wearing a sew-in weave for about 9 months. After growing tired of wearing weaves I decided to take it out to give my scalp and wallet a break. My hair was a hot mess when I took my weave out. I had a ton of new growth and thin relaxed ends (hot mess dot com). I was nervous about having short hair so I decided to keep my ends. It was so hard to manage two different hair textures so I cut my relaxed ends after about 2 months.

What is your hair regimen?Currently, my hair care regimen is super simple. I either wear a wash n go or a twist out. Wash n go in the summer and a twist out in the winter. For my twist out I co-wash with Trader Joe’s Tea Tree Conditioner. While my hair is wet I apply coconut oil. I use a T-shirt to soak up the excess water. Lastly, I apply 100 % Natural Shea Butter and twist. I love being natural and I feel like it has boosted my confidence.

There was recently a study shown that Black women tend to avoid the gym as not to ruin their hair. What is your feeling on that and do you have any tips on how we can maintain our hair while living an active lifestyle?

Sweating comes with the territory. Its almost impossible to workout and not sweat. I pull my hair up into a clip while working out. Sometimes I have to retwist my hair at night but I’m okay with that.

Is there anything else about yourself that you'd like to share with us?

I was honored when Jin asked to feature me on her blog 1.) because I love her blog and 2.) because we have the same name.

. . .

Jin, thank you so much once again for doing this interview!

***Ladies, be sure to stop by Jinfitness for

healthy recipes, fitness tips, fashion and much more***

all photos courtesy of www.jinfitness.com

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My First Experience With Bentonite Clay Hair Mask Treatment

2012-01-26T00:00:00.000-05:00

After months of wanting to try Bentonite Clay on my hair, I finally got my hands on some after a much needed trip to The Vitamin Shoppe. I was long overdue for a wash, so this was the perfect time to test it out. Here are all the products that I used yesterday - the list was long:

The night before I did a pre-poo of sorts with Vatika Oil { read my post on it here }. I don't think I'll be using it for sealing anymore, but I feel it would be great to dampen my hair with and sleep with a shower cap on overnight (it worked better this way for my hair). My goal for leaving it in overnight was so that my hair could soak up as much moisture as possible, since some of my issues are dryness and lack of shine.

My treatment consisted of the following:

Bentonite Clay |

This is a natural way of clarifying the hair as most shampoo's contain harmful sulfates that typically dry out hair. This hair mask nourishes (and strengthens) the follicles, softens the hair so you can detangle with no problem while your hair is wet (that way you won't have tons of hair in your comb when you're done), gives hair sheen, draws out oils, dirt, dead skin cells and product buildup and may enhance your natural curl pattern (if your hair isn't relaxed or naturally straight). A few ladies have even said that it has given their hair more body. { read my entire post on the clay here }

Apple Cider Vinegar |

This gently removes product buildup, excess sebum, bacteria and dead skin cells due to the acetic acid. Apple Cider Vinegar is also great for beneficial for nourishing the follicles, and strengthening hair at the roots. It also aides in treating dandruff.

Honey |

Since my hair is often dry, honey was a must for me to put in my mixture. It's a natural humectant, meaning that it holds in water molecules. It also aides in making hair more shiny and smooth.

Once I got my mixture to a comfortable consistency, I then applied it to my hair section by section while simultaneously getting it all over my floor - lol. I mean seriously, what a mess I caused...I got it everywhere and on everything.

Keep the mixture on for 20-30 minutes, ideally you shouldn't allow it to dry on your hair. It made my scalp feel very cool while I was letting it sit. After cleaning up the disaster area I created in my kitchen, I washed my hair out with cool water and could instantly feel the softness. It was even a little shiny!

I hopped in the shower and washed out any excess product with Giovanni Direct-Leave In Conditioner. Once any sign of the product was gone, I did put it back in my hair to serve it's purpose as a leave in. Afterwards, I sealed my hair with Jojoba Oil and used my trusty Shea Moisture Curl Enhancing Smoothie to do a twist out.

Though this is only my first time using this product, I think I'm ready to profess my love. Already I've noticed softness, shine and an enhancement of my curl pattern. Because my hair was so soft after using it, I didn't loose any hair because I didn't have to fight with it. With my hair not being a fan of the cold, I plan on doing this treatment once every other week for now to combat my dryness and the elements. Perhaps I may cut it down to once a month during the summer.

I can't wait to use the Bentonite Clay as a face mask! I'm looking forward to sharing that with you as well :)

***EDIT: I forgot to include something VERY important. DO NOT mix with any metal utensils or have your mixture in a metal container, it will have a negative effect on the properties of your clay***

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Solange by Garance Dore

2012-01-25T21:36:00.001-05:00

photo credit: Garance Dore

...that is all.

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Southern Hospitality

2012-01-25T04:30:00.000-05:00

This was my second time visiting Justin Timberlake's resturant Southern Hospitality. The first time I visited, my best friend and I became intrigued by the Fried Twinkie on the menu and loved every single bite of it. Once I found out we were going again over the weekend, all I could talk about for the entire day was this dessert. Mind you, I don't eat Twinkie's - not this fried situation is something else. My heart sank in my chest when the waitress said they may not have anymore, but luckily she came back a few minutes later to announce that they'd be able to make it. I also had hot wings and the mac and cheese with bacon, as well as a Shirley Temple (because I'm five years old). If you're looking for a relaxed environment with good old, southern comfort food, this place is worth a visit.

Southern Hospitality

Upper East Side

1460 Second Ave., New York, NY 10075
(btw 76th & 77th Streets)
Tel: 212-249-1001

and

Hell's Kitchen

645 9th Avenue (Corner of 45th Street)
New York, New York 10036
Tel. 212-265-1000

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OOTD: Pink Friday

2012-01-24T04:00:00.000-05:00

Blazer: Forever 21 | Dress: Forever 21 | Shoes: Bakers | Lipstick: Lilac Champagne by Revlon

Here's my outfit I wore Friday night to a birthday party. This pink blazer is everything to me right now. When I went shopping for this outfit, I couldn't find anything in the entire store that I liked, except for this blazer. I reluctantly purchased this dress (I hate tight dresses) as well and figured that I'd find a statement necklace to breathe some life into the outfit - although, it's now clear the blazer that's the star of the show.

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A Wave Of Grief

2012-01-23T20:03:00.000-05:00

mine and the hubby's room during the trip

The problem with grief is that it can hit you at any moment. I woke up Saturday morning in the most gorgeous place only to be bed-ridden for about an hour. I was in the kitchen with my friends talking and laughing, when all of a sudden (out of nowhere) I just wanted to cry. I excused myself and went back to my room where I sobbed, prayed and apparently fell asleep only to be woken up by one of the girls checking on me. I didn't want to cause a scene, bring down the mood or take attention away from the birthday girl - so I took a shower while listening to some gospel music to lift my spirits. I pulled it together and made my way outside the room again to join everyone for breakfast and get back to my normal self. I'm lucky to have a group of friends who are so supportive and understanding of my situation. I read so many baby loss blogs where women haven't heard from their friends in months if at all in regards of the death of their babies. No matter how dismal I feel at times, I do realize I'm blessed to have an infinite amount of support.

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Penthouse Living

2012-01-23T05:00:00.000-05:00

Concrete Jungle where dreams are made of. This weekend I got to live out my fantasy of living in a Manhattan penthouse. Even though it was just a couple days, I think I got too comfortable, because it was hard crossing that bridge to go back home, lol. The views were mind blowing...and it's all about the view when you live in New York! The Chrysler Building, Empire State Building, The East River and other New York landmarks seemed to be a stone throw from our windows. The unit also had a wrap around terrace, but unfortunately we couldn't utilize it much because it was so cold this weekend and it snowed. Weekends like this make me want to start playing lotto.

Take Care,
Jin

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Five Things

2012-01-20T06:00:00.000-05:00

photo credit: The Beauty Department

1) Once again, Lauren Conrad and the rest of the girls at The Beauty Department share another amazing nail art tutorial. This one is chevron design, which automatically makes one think of Missoni. I need to develop a steady enough hand get to try this.

2) My blog designer Danielle Moss, shares a tour of her bedroom and living room on her blog Breakfast At Toast. Her home tour was recently featured in Rue Magazine, but she's sharing a little extra with her readers.

3) Happy Belated Birthday to my blogger friend over at Like It's Golden, who celebrated in the most gorgeous sequin dress! If you'd like to pass it on, please let me know :)

4) Have you ever read the blog "Cakies"? Seriously has to be one of the cutest families to walk this planet. But what I love most is how honest Ruby is about parenthood - especially with 4 little girls. She doesn't sugar coat anything, but makes light of it all.

5) Did you see this chocolate cake that Bakerlla recently posted? It's moments like these that make me glad that my oven is on the fritz, our I'd bake it this weekend and eat the entire thing by myself.

***I hope you enjoyed this weeks edition of Five Things. I'm off to Manhattan for the weekend to celebrate my best friends 25th birthday. Have a safe and productive weekend :) ***

Take Care,
Jin

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...but it was on sale honey!

2012-01-19T12:22:00.001-05:00

My dad bought these for me yesterday while we were hanging out after my job interview. I've had my eyes on these Timberlands for about a year now! I've been on the hunt for the perfect flat boots for what seems like eternity, and this is them. Lucky for me...well my dad...they were 30 % off. Yea these are stylish but they also keep my feet warm, which is most important. I've always had a love of Timberlands, should you have stepped on mine when I was in middle or high school, we'd have a problem. I'd diligently clean them and avoid dirty snow, although that's what they're made for, lol - the elements! As soon as a new color was released, my best friends and I would have it. While I don't keep up with them in that way anymore, my adult and more practical side know that these will last me for a few years.

I'm wearing a bright pink blazer to my best friends birthday party this weekend, and wanted the perfect shade to match. I found that in Revlon's Lilac Champagne! Since CVS was having a buy 1 get 1 free sale, I also picked up Va Va Violent since I've been wanting to test out a vampy hue on my lips. I really love Revlon lipsticks, they stay on all day while moisturizing at the same time. You definitely get way more than you pay for with this product.

I scored these at Aldo earlier this week, they were 30% off as well. Because I'm only 4'11, I always love something that gives me a little bit of height while still being comfortable. These are also great for walking in the rain, it seems impossible to slip. This is important for clumsy people like me that trip over air.

Have you found any good sale items this week?

Take Care,

Jin

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So this is the thing about how us Jamaicans give directions...

2012-01-18T21:31:00.000-05:00

The video of a little girl in Jamaica giving directions on how to get to her house has been floating around my Facebook today. You're probably wondering, what could be so funny about that. Fair enough. The thing is with us Jamaican people, is that we don't know the names of streets...we only know landmarks, nature and where stoplights ar located. You will hear a lot of "go so...and then go so..." while we simultaneously move our hands in different directions to show you what we mean. Also, if you ask a Jamaican about how long it takes to get somewhere, our response will always be, "It don't tek long, it's just up di road". Whether it's a 5 minute drive or 2 hour drive, "it's just up di road". And definitely never ask my Cousin Kim for directions - unless you like driving up one way streets into on coming traffic. If you ever ask me how to get somewhere, this is probably the same way I'll describe it to you - so sorry in advance...

Take Care,

Jin

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ps: special thank you to the little boy in the video that yelled, "cooom outta di road" - lol - I love it!

That Moment You Realize You Aren't Alone...But You Wish You Were

2012-01-18T20:43:00.001-05:00

From the second I found out I was pregnant, in my mind, I was a mother. I started contemplating the changes I was going to be making, paid off as much debt as possible to free up some cash, thought about which neighborhood I was going to move to raise my child to make sure she went to the best school, etc. I had a boy and a girl name picked out, and once I found out I was having a girl, I always refered to her by name. I thought about The Holidays, buying her first Christmas dress - I even asked my pastor if he would Christen her early this year. So many plans were made that never came to be.

After Jolie died, there were often times that I felt alone and found myself pouring out my feelings on this blog. Then I'd feel I was revealing too much...in some ways, I was embarrassed and ashamed about the way I felt (as strange as that sounds). I felt so alone at times despite being surrounded by so many people who love me and took care of me. But I figured that if I was blogging about my feelings - maybe someone else was too. I started to find tons of blogs written by other moms who loss babies - some around the same time that I did. Ectopic pregnancies, miscarriages, pre-term labor, stillbirth....we all shared the pain of loosing our babies. I would sit and read these blogs all day and just cry knowing exactly how that person felt. After a while I realized I couldn't read them everyday because they would bring me right back to that moment when the doctor came in our room to tell us our daughter had "expired".

I still read them, but every few days instead of everyday - and maybe only three of those kinds of blogs per day. It takes too much out of me.

Although I'm thankful for the amount of online support, blogs to relate to, at times it just makes me so sad. I wish people didn't have to experience this. I wish there was something else that connected me to these women instead of the fact that what we have in common is loosing a child. I wish there were a way that I could eliminate child loss from happening to anyone else...but I can't.

Although we are having a difficult time ourselves, there are nights when my husband and I pray for the families I read about as well as those we will never know. I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy.

Loosing a child at any age is difficult, but there is also something to be said for the life that never came to be. I will never be able to watch Jolie grow up, take her to school, have her keep me up a night, hear her first words, watch her take her first steps or any of that. And while I'm confident that I will go on to have more children, that hole in my heart will always be there for my first born.

It is my prayer that anyone going through a similar situation finds peace, clarity and a continued desire to keep their child(ren) spirit alive. Continue to refer to them by name and keep them close to your heart.

I know I shied away from continuing to talk about Jolie, but for whatever reason, God keeps pushing me to do it. So for the woman who may be going through the same thing who I may never know, new found blog friends I met through child loss blogs, or someone who may unfortunately experience something similar in the future (although I pray you won't), know that I'm here.

...and to all of you, look in the mirror and realize how special we all are to be here. Realize that there was a chance that we may not have made it out of our mothers wombs...but we were chosen, and put here to do something. No matter what you're going through today, what ever has you down, no matter your circumstances - you have a purpose and a plan. You were chosen.

Be great and be grateful.

Take Care,
Jin

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Saturday Prep

2012-01-17T22:31:00.002-05:00

Since becoming best friends with B in the 5th grade, I've become aware of her obsession with her birthday. She literally has countdowns till her birthday and takes it very seriously. With all of us turning 25 this year, all birthday plans are over the top to make this milestone a memorable one. B kicks off each year with her birthday being in January. This year she has rented a five bedroom penthouse in Manhattan, where our crew will be spending this upcoming weekend. Uuuummm...I can't wait! As usual, she enlisted me to help her pick out her party dress, so we went into Soho today for some shopping. We found the perfect ensemble at French Connection (who is having a crazy sale - check it out), followed by a cupcake stop at Crumbs and a visit to her sisters, who has a place in the city. By the way, I'm having a hard time finding the perfect faux fur vest! I went to a million stores trying to find one today but no luck. I found something like a vest in French Connection..but I left without it. As much as I hate the cold, it's days like this that make me love living in New York. Just walking around is an adventure. There's no place like NYC!

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werq.

2012-01-16T19:24:00.001-05:00

On New Years Eve, I worked feverishly on completing my new vision board before the clock struck 12am. One of the most important aspects on the board, was my desire to work in beauty and cosmetics. There is a particular company that I have been stalking but have yet to hear from them for either position that I applied for. Luckily, another company contacted me in reference to a makeup artist position and I now have an interview with them this week. I've been wanting to do makeup again, so the thought of doing it full time as opposed to freelance like I did before is exciting. I'm also over the moon about the thought of going into Manhattan five days a week. Getting this job would be amazing since filing for unemployment is going to make me tear my hair out. Wish me luck :)

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You and I Have A Purpose & A Plan

2012-01-16T02:22:00.001-05:00

I'm not that big into cards. People give them to me with gifts, I read it once and then loose track of it. However, when my sister gave me this card the other day, I started tearing up as I read it. The words were so powerful to me that I glued it onto my vision board so that I can read it everyday - especially when I feel myself getting in a negative space. I wanted to share it you all in case you or someone you know, may need some words of encouragement as well.

Always remember

When God made you

He did so with a purpose and a plan

He saw all of your days

before you lived one of them

and placed over you

the covering of His protective love

You are his beloved child

the apple of His eye

the delight of His heart

His hand has remained

upon you to this very day

He will be with you

as He has always been -

in goodness, in kindness,

in faithfulness, and in love

- Roy Lessin

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When A Black Girl Goes To Therapy (Part 3): "The Happy Pills"

2012-01-14T23:02:00.000-05:00

{scenes from today}

Parmesan Crusted Chicken | Cajun Chicken & Shrimp Pasta

Virgin Strawberry Daiquiri | New Necklace I Bought Today

Today I went to what was supposed to be my last therapy session. The last time I went in (I think it was back in November), I was doing really well. Because I'd made so much progress, we decided that I didn't need to see her for the month of December, and that I would just check in this month. How things have changed.

The Holidays completely through me off. I thought my daughter would be here for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, so the fact that she wasn't around was hard to process. I just didn't understand. When you experience the loss of any loved one, the Holidays magnify it more. After all, that is the time, you're all together, so if that one person is missing...

Between my sleeping pattern changing (well...I haven't really been sleeping) and my dad pointing out to me yesterday that I look like I've lost weight - I've been going through it for the past couple weeks. I did step on the scale this morning to find that I did drop a few pounds...this is the first time I'm not excited about it...I haven't been dieting or exercising - just grieving.

"Do you want to take something?", my therapist asked me today.

Now, I don't know much about anti-depressants...I just know that it's not going to bring my daughter back. I mentioned that to her, she says that although it obviously won't change what happened, it will help me cope better and I won't go into that deep depression that happens to me sometimes. Truth be told, there I moments when I cry until my body is weak and I can't get out of bed - but it doesn't happen too frequently. I hate taking pain medication much less anti-depressants. Then I have a fear, I'll take the meds and it will linger in my system and cause something to happen whenever I do get pregnant again. Those law office commercials about pregnant women whose children were born with birth effects due to anti-depressants scare the heck out of me, you know? That's all I kept thinking about.

The alternative we discussed before once again considering that route, is seeing her more often. Now I will go every other week instead of once per month. So much for today being the last session...

I did share with her my new found anxiety of meeting new people and having them ask me if I have children. She told me that I should simply say, "no". I shared that I've thought about that but if I say no, that I'll be denying that Jolie ever existed. She told me that I won't be denying her - that although my mouth may say "no" my heart knows different. Should that person pry further, I can just simply say, "when the time is right". I know that may sound simple, but this has been a big internal issue for me.

I also showed her a picture of Jolie that I keep as my screen saver.

Last night my husband and I went out with his friends. Those two couples had their little ones with them while my hand was empty.

Another fear is Mothers Day...but I try not put that on my head right now.

It's been 6 months and sometimes I feel that I've made no progress...but I know it'll get better.

...

on a lighter note, i'm sure you've noticed the new layout.

it is courtesy of Danielle from one of my favorite blogs "breakfast at toast"

she's also launching a site next month called "The Everygirl"

be sure to check her out. and thanks again Danielle :)

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January 2012 Birchbox.

2012-01-13T15:03:00.004-05:00

It feels like Christmas all over again - my Birchbox arrived yesterday! Yay! Of course I ripped it open like a mad woman, anxious to see what goodies I got this month. Much to my delight, there was a snack in there which couldn't have come at a more appropriate time - I was starving! It was a vegan Larabar which is made of dried fruits, nuts and spices - so yummy. A healthy alternative, there are no additives like high fructose corn syrup - perfect as I am trying to eat better this year and beyond.

The theme for this months box is clarity. Exhale. Highly appropriate for my life right now. Also included (not pictured) are a few healthy tips to set the tone for the new year.

Origins Checks and Balances Frothy Face Wash

This couldn't have come at a better time as my face has a complete mind of its own if that's possible. I'll find something, it'll work beautifully for a little while - my face gets too used to it - it becomes unusable. My face is the most Diva part of my body...my belly takes a close second - although it's less like a diva and more like an unwanted house guest that refuses to leave.

Archipelago Pomegranate Body Soap

The smell of this soap makes me feel like I'm in a hotel. I feel like I've used this soap in at least one places I've stayed at over the years. I can't wait to test it out!

STILA Smudge Stick Waterproof Eye Liner

Stila Cosmetics holds a dear place in my heart, as it's the first makeup brand I'd ever spent money on. I was either 16 or 17, I was on vacation in Miami and purchase one of their lipglosses in Bloomingdales with my aunt. Yes, I remember all of that. This product isn't joking when it says smudge proof either. I drew it on my hand right away and tried to scrub it off to no avail.

Juicy Couture - Viva La Juicy

Me and perfumes don't really get along - most of them are too strong and make me sneeze. I've been wanting to test out this particular one, but I can already tell it may be a bit too much for me. We'll see.

...and finally a little magnet...I'm gonna put it on my fridge!

Once again, I'm thoroughly satisfied with my Birchbox - can't wait for next month!

Discovered any new beauty brands lately?

Are you a Birchbox member?

Send me your link so I can see what you got :)

Recluse.

2012-01-13T09:12:00.003-05:00

Originally written January 5, 2011

Anytime I get together with my cousin we act a fool. Fool as in laughing at the top of our lungs in a restaurant with no shame, doing strange dances in the middle of the street and discussing our obsession with Morris Chesnut and Idbris Elba (they always end up in our conversations somehow). Despite laughing till we cried, our conversation turned serious as well – as we both lost babies in 2011.

Today I admitted to myself (and her) that I’ve become somewhat of a recluse. I was laid off from my job a few weeks ago and was actually looking forward to the time off. I’ve been somewhat busy, but I’ve realized that I’ve made sure to keep busy inside my house. I’ve also been traveling back and forth to South Florida, but even being away from home, I find myself in the house. I’ve noticed that I’ve been ignoring phone calls and hardly responding to text message. Even more disturbing, I now realize that I have a fear of meeting new people, and only communicate with a small group of people in my life. People who I couldn’t duck and dodge even if I tried. I’ve been realizing my behavior but never wanted to admit why I was doing the things that I have been doing.

As social as I’ve always been, new people now scare me. I get anxiety! My biggest fear is that they will ask the innocent question, “Do you have any children?”. That’s a fair questions, one that typically comes after one finds out you’re married – but how do I answer that question right now. I’d jus rather not put myself in the situation…so I stay away.

The fact that I don’t have a job anymore doesn’t help – it’s made it easier for me to hide. I know it’s not healthy. I’ve been applying for jobs hoping that I can get back into an everyday social enviornment and talk to other people besides myself.

Next week Tuesday I have a therapy session. When I spoke to my therapist on the phone to reschedule, she said “Next week will be your last week…unless you feel you need to continue”. The last time I saw her in November I was doing excellent, little does she know how far back down the hole I’ve gone. Grief!

In either case, next week will indeed be my last week with her. I spoke to my husband about finding someone else to speak to, especially since her office is kind of out the way for me. It was close to my former job, but now just inconvenient.

Hi, I’m Jin. I’m a recluse…kinda.

Bill, "The Bill Collector"

2012-01-13T09:07:00.002-05:00

originally written December 29, 2011

Today I got a phone call from a man claiming that he was attempting to collect a debt in reference to the birth of my daughter.

Please note that I get these calls every couple of weeks despite the fact that I’ve provided my insurance information over and over – each and every time time they call. I wasn’t in the mood for it today, especially because he was so aggressive.

I tell him I’ve already provided the necessary information and to contact my insurance provider. He asks me if my daughter is on the policy. I tell him she’s no longer alive and I’ve already given them the info. He says with no emotion that he’s sorry for my lost. He continues to speak but my dad starts asking me who that is and why they’re asking about the baby.

As I shared earlier, my dad is very protective of us and does his best to fix everything before we even have a chance to ask.

At this time, I’m fighting back the tears telling my dad who this is and why they’re calling, while the man is saying something to me about me having a conversation with someone else while he’s calling. I hate him.

The next thing I know my dad takes the phone out my hand and starts talking to the man. He explained that I’ve given the same info countless times and that I’m not in a position to talk right now. Dad disappears into a room so I can only imagine what he’s saying to this bill collector. Don’t mess with Papa Bear. The only thing I heard prior to him shutting the door is that the baby passed away.

I felt like someone knocked the wind out of me. I couldn’t even get off the couch. That man was sucking all the energy out of me and we weren’t even in the same room. Dad came back to comfort me and was clearly angry with how quarrelsome this man was despite the fact that he told him over and over to call back at another time.

When my husband made it home he and my dad snuck away for a private talk. When Hubby returned he called the guy and got just as aggressive with him as he had been with me. At the end everything was resolved and they’ve been instructed to contact him, not me. He told me he’s taking care of everything and not to worry about it. Superman comes to the rescue again. I love this guy.

I found out the guys name is Bill. A guy named Bill who is a Bill Collector. How appropriate?

Christmas & The Urn

2012-01-13T09:05:00.001-05:00

Originally written December 29, 2011

Christmas Day was a good day. Since my husband and I were hosting dinner at our house this year, I was distracted with decorating and cooking. Although we got off to a late start, everything turned out well. We opened gifts, the food was a hit and there was lots of laughter. As the night came to a close, I grabbed my big sisters hand and lead her to my bedroom, telling her not to forget to tell Jolie “Merry Christmas”. Without much thinking, I took the urn down from the top shelf and placed it in her hand.

“I’ve never touched it before”, she said.

All of a sudden it dawned on me that she hadn’t and that it might be too much for her. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of that. I quickly took it back from her and apologized. She said it was ok and took it back, but I think holding the urn made everything real again. We then talked about positive things for 2012 and moved right along.

I asked my dad if he was ok talking to Jolie before her left, he said “yea”. He looked the urn and seemed ok, so I took it down for him. All of a sudden his eyes welled up with tears and he turned away from me.

Jolie’s death was only the second time in my life that I’ve ever seen my dad cry. The first time in was in 2007 when his sister passed away from breast cancer. Growing up, I always thought my dad was Superman. He has a hard exterior and is the one that fixes everything and has everyone elses weight on his shoulders. He doesn’t let anything happen to anyone he loves.

I hugged him and told him I was sorry. He said he’d never even seen the urn before. For some reason I thought he did. Then again, I was pretty out of it for a while after giving birth and don’t remember a lot of things that happened for a few weeks after.

We sat and talked for a little while. He’d never really expressed to me how he was dealing with his grand daughters death, as his main priority when around me is making sure that I’m alright. He told me that the day she died was the first time in life that he ever truly felt powerless. He couldn’t do anything. He shared some other things with me – we talked for a while.

Because I’ve been so trapped in my own world, sometimes I forget how hard Jolie’s death is for my family. I need to be more concious of that. Besides my husband and I, I know my dad took it the hardest.

If she were still here, my daughter would have more love than she’d know what to do with.

I suppose I’ve become numb to looking at or holding the urn because I see it everyday. I’ve never looked at her ashes though.

Sometimes when I look at it I think, “I can’t believe this is my reality”. Never in a million years did I think that I have a deceased child. There are days when I think that I’ll never be able to come back from this and I’ll be broken forever. There are days when I want to dissappear and go into hiding instead of talkng to anyone. Sometimes people sense the sadness in my voice and I tell them its ok although they know I’m lying. It’s just that, at times I feel there’s no reason to explain because they don’t know what I’m going through…and I pray they never have the experience to truly understand. Some days I just don’t know where to start, so I don’t.

This is my new “normal”.

The Damn Holidays.

2012-01-13T09:00:00.002-05:00

originally written December 28, 2011

Prior to being discharged from the hospital after Jolie’s death, a bereavement nurse came to speak with my husband and I. We spoke about certain dates that would be hard – my due date, The Holidays, her birth day, etc. When I was pregnant, I remember being excited that she would be around for Thanksgiving this year and I couldn’t wait to get her, her first Christmas dress. Obviously none of these things happened. I did pretty good on my due date and began coming around nicely. Everyone from my therapist to my co-workers (from the job I’ve since been laid off from) told me that I seemed to be doing amazing. Even my husband commended me on how well I was doing in such a short time.

Then Thanksgiving rolled around.

I did ok. The husband and I spent the evening with just my dad as opposed to a big dinner at my sister’s house. We’d normally go over there but she said she wasn’t doing anything this year – which was kind of relief in a way. Last minute we were invited over as she’d over cooked, but we already had plans at home. Truthfully, we didn’t want to celebrate much.

Then came December.

I’ve come undone.

On some days I feel just as horrible as the very night that she died – I feel like it just happened. Meltdowns have become more frequent and very intense. Sometimes I cry so much I can’t even stand on my own two feet.

I was in Florida visiting my mom for a few days and lost my shit, myself in church. A little baby girl was brought to be baptized and I balled my eyes out…it was so bad, my mom brought me over to the pastor after church. That experience is a post in itself. More on that later. One night before I came home, I saw her in my dreams and I was depressed the entire day.

Christmas Eve was bad. I just couldn’t understand why she wasn’t here. Why didn’t I have a Christmas tree that was overflowing with gifts for her underneath. Why weren’t her big cousins going to be able to touch her hand and ask me lots of question about her. Why wasn’t this her first Christmas like I planned?

I’ve been doing pretty well this week though.

I took a pregnancy test today.

It read, NOT PREGNANT…just like it did last month.

We haven’t been officially trying. However, my period has been late this month as well as last month, so we’ve taken the test “just to see”. They’ve been a few other symtons, but maybe I’ve been overthinking it. I’m slightly disappointed, but I now understand God’s timing, and that he doesn’t give us anything that we’re not ready for.

Besides, I have lots of things I need to do at the hospital prior to getting pregnant. It’s a process. They’ve received my paperwork and are waiting for a few other things from the hospital where I had Jolie. The next pregnancy will not be a surprise, as it will be planned with the doctor and planned to the tee.

Who knows. Maybe this time next year, I’ll become a mother again.

Update.

2012-01-11T01:51:00.001-05:00

My computer has a virus and is of no use to me right now...sadly. I'm actually blogging from my IPhone that the hubby got me last night (I'm so lost). I am kinda happy to be away from the computer since I've been traveling like crazy for the past few weeks. I'm so excited to sleep in my own bed with my love. For now - follow my adventures and random thoughts on twitter. I'll be back as soon as I can with the new changes I promised for the new year and some giveaways I've been working on for you all. Love u guys!

SOMETHING LIGHT: My January Essie Wishlist

2012-01-03T06:00:00.001-05:00

(left to right) Tennis Corset | Absolutely Shore | My Private Cabana

THINGS I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IN 2012

2012-01-02T22:12:00.003-05:00

turning 25

having another baby

going to hawaii (not confirmed or planned but i'm putting it into the universe)

relaunching this blog and making it a million times more fierce

making more money

getting a new apartment

living a healthier more active lifestyle

more laughing - less tears

being present

Painting Nails With My Niece

2011-12-30T19:53:00.002-05:00

I've been babysitting my 4 year old and 2 year old niece this week since they're school is closed for The Holidays. Knowing today was my last day with them, they kept asking if they could get their nails painted with the polish I bought them for Christmas. You're probably wondering, who buys kids nail polishes - but my nieces are little divas in the making. Since they do like nail polish, I got them a kids brand that doesn't have the harsh smells and chemicals as the ones that adults would typically use. It's basically like water color and peels off instead of chipping. The little one was napping with napping with my Lil Sis while this was happening, but she made sure to get her nails done before she went home,lol. They made me paint mine as well, so I quickly slapped on a coat which started coming off within an hour, lol.

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Five Things

2011-12-30T06:00:00.000-05:00

The Beauty Department shows those of us who wear glasses how to make our makeup pop!

Karen of Where Did You Get That, shares her skincare and makeup routine

Fran shows off her gorgeous plus size body in a bikini on the beaches of Jamaica

After seeing this blogs author in a commercial, I've been meaning to read her stuff but never got around to it. I've been missing out! Not Without Salt in the ultimate in food blogs

Allure Magazine shows us 10 beauty mistakes that makes us look 10 years older

When My Fro Is Fed Up

2011-12-29T11:55:00.000-05:00

This was a long time coming.

I haven't been detangling the way I'm supposed to and I paid for it.

After wearing my hair in a bun for the past two weeks to ignore the issues, I finally faced Eartha (that's what my cousin named my fro) head on earlier this week. Parts of my hair felt like it was locking up on me, so I figured I had the following options:

1. Dread up

2. Shave my head and start all over

3. Sit for hours to slowly and gently untangle my hair and promise myself not to let this happen again

I chose option 3...and man did it take aaaalllll dddaayyy. Talk about lesson learned. It took me about an hour or two to detangle - then I parted it in 4 and washed and conditioned in section by section - followed by a little more detangling - then I sealed with vatika oil and twisted everything up. Lord have mercy. Sadly, I lost a lot of hair in the process, but I haven't seen any hair in my comb since.

I'm thinking of having my aunt blow dry it for me when I go back down to Florida again give me a trim so I can start fresh for The New Year. Hopefully I can stick to my hair resolutions so I don't find myself in this position again.

my other blog | follow me on twitter

New Product Added To My Regimen: VATIKA OIL

2011-12-29T06:00:00.001-05:00

Whether you're Black, White, Yellow, Blue, Purple, Relaxed or Natural - chances are you'll be able to benefit from Vatika Oil. In my attempt to add use more ayervedic products, I finally purchased this oil after years of hearing about it and it's benefits. With my hair susceptible to dryness, my main reason for trying the Vatika Oil is to seal my hair and possibly use it as a hot oil treatment among other things. A coconut oil infused with numerous herbs, it penetrates the hair shaft and is said to aid in hair growth, repairing damaged hair, add shine, and of course making hair more manageable as it moisturizes the hair. Vatika Oil is also great to rub into your hands before you take down your twists or braids. I've only begun using this oil since the beginning of this week, so I'm still playing around with it to figure out how much my hair needs and in what way. While I continue to use it to eventually share my personal findings with you, here is a little more information:

Ingredient + Benefit Breakdown

Henna - colorant, hair conditioner & restorative

Amla - hair nourishment, delays graying & hair fall

Harad - protects from UV rays, delays graying

Bahera - maintains hair color

Neem - anti-microbial, fights dandruff & hair fall

Brahmi - hair vitalizer

Kapur Kachari - antiseptic

Lemon Oil - astringent, fights dandruff

Coconut Oil - promotes hair growth & nourishment

Cow's Milk - natural nourishment for scalp & roots

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Get Glowing Skin + Beautiful Hair with BENTONITE CLAY

2011-12-28T10:06:00.001-05:00

I'm slowly but surely crossing items off my 2012 skincare and haircare list. One of my must haves for The New Year is Bentonite Clay! Anyone who knows me is well aware of my need to get a bang for my buck, and this product doesn't disappoint as it's both inexpensive and can be used for multiple purposes. Let us count the ways:

Body Wrap |

I remember being in skincare class and being so disappointed when I learned that body wraps weren't part of the basic curriculum (unless I wanted to pay an extra couple bucks for a separate class of course). There are numerous benefits to body wraps including tightening the skin, detox for the skin, improving circulation and clearing up blemishes. This particular clay is said to aid in glowing skin and improving skin tone in addition to a few other things.

For The Hair |

If you're looking for a natural way of clarifying your without using shampoo - you may want to try this. This hair mask nourishes the follicles, softens the hair so you can detangle with no problem while your hair is wet (that way you won't have tons of hair in your comb when you're done), gives hair sheen, draws out oils, dirt, dead skin cells and product buildup and may enhance your natural curl pattern (if your hair isn't relaxed or naturally straight). A few ladies have even said that it has given their hair more body.

Face Mask |

Just as it pulls toxins out of the hair, it does the same for skin and will improve acne blemishes. It's said that this clay reduces pore size and will improve the overall texture and look of your skin no matter what your skin type.

Find This Product Here:
Trader Joe's
Whole Foods
Vitamin Shoppe
Various Online Sites

My 2012 Skin Resolutions

2011-12-27T06:00:00.000-05:00

photo credit

Drink water...drink some more...and then drink some more water

Experiment with the oil cleansing method

Never fall asleep with makeup on my face (we've all had some lazy nights, right? lol)

Exfoliate using facial scrub once weekly

Cut down on commercial products and make my own again

Buy a Clarisonic Mia

...and drink more water

Do you have any skincare resolutions for the New Year?

My 2012 Hair Resolutions

2011-12-26T06:00:00.000-05:00

photo credit | Tommy Ton via Jak and Jil

Get a trim

Cover my hair everynight for bed
Create and stick to a strict hair regimen

Section my hair into 4 sections and detangle hair before shampooing

Shampoo and condition hair in while seperated in four sections

Buy a Hueitful Hair Steamer

Deep Condition Once Weekly

Do more protective styles to avoid over manipulation
Moisturize hair every other day
Experiment with ayurvedic methods

Do you have any hair resolutions for the New Year?

Five Things

2011-12-23T05:00:00.000-05:00

photo credit: The Beauty Department

Learn How To Do The Perfect Manicure via The Beauty Department

Allure Magazine Shows Us The Top Nail Polishes of 2011

Chriselle's tutorial on identifying and dressing your body type is a Must See!

Uuuummm...I've found my new favorite food blog in The Food Coma
The author does outfit posts as well & she used to have blue hair! How cool is she?

Cousin Kim recaps our adventure with our little sisters in a candy/ice-cream shop

{RANT & RAVE} Jouer Lipgloss: Birchbox Pink

2011-12-20T23:57:00.001-05:00

I love a bold lip which has caused me to stray away from lipgloss over the past year or so. However, when I received my first Birchbox this month, I was most excited about trying the Jouer Lipgloss in the custom created, "Birchbox Pink".

Rant| After trying it on, I was underwhelmed with the color, but I suppose it would be a great addition over a lipstick.

Rave| Although the color wasn't to my liking, my lips were left very soft and the gloss lasted a long time - no frequent applications needed.

I can't say I'm willing to spurgle ($20.00) for the full size container - but if you want a hydrating lipgloss with a sheer pink finish, I'm sure you'd enjoy :)

LIP SERVICE | Revlon: Just Bitten " Passion" + Revlon Super Lustrous Lipstick "Berry Haute"

2011-12-20T18:36:00.001-05:00

I have a weakness. I can't walk into a drugstore without purchasing at least one beauty product. Nail polish and lipstick are my two favorite things, so I always walk out the store with at least one of them. This week I set my sights on the Revlon section.

First up is the Just Bitten: Lipstain and Balm in Passion.

Just Bitten is quite interesting. One side is like a marker for your lips, while the other side is a moisturizing balm. I enjoy the fact that I can perfectly outline my lips and fill it in. The only thing I didn't like was that my color didn't seem to dispense evenly and I had to apply it a few times before being comfortable with the coverage. However, this is a lipstain indeed - this color didn't go anywhere and doesn't lack in vibrancy. I'm wearing it in this post.

Hands down, my favorite of the two was the Super Lustrous Lipstick in Berry Haute.

Typically spending upwards of $15-$20 on lipwear, I was pleasantly surprised by the quality of this $8.99 product. I've been converted and will definitely be picking up quite a few more shades.

I think I've found my new everyday shade!

Re-Fresh Mint

2011-12-20T17:26:00.001-05:00

This outfit is nothing spectacular, as its just a casual one I wore to run errands with my mom today. However, I'm just so excited to be dressed like this just a few days before Christmas. I'm still in South Florida and soaking up as much of this amazing weather before I head back to New York. I heard it's around the 30's up there while I'm enjoying a comfortable 75 degrees.

Lacquer: Re-Fresh Mint by China Glaze

Last night Lil Sis and I went to Sally's Beauty Supply, where we soared 2 China Glaze nail lacquers for $10 - basically 2 for 1!!! I've been on the hunt for the perfect shade of mint green for my nails, so I was excited to find it and have it be on sale. I have to say I'm quite pleased with my first experience using this brand. I've been reading a lot about it and it didn't disappoint. No bubbling, rich color and a smooth consistency. I'll definitely be going back for more.

Rave: CETAPHIL MOISTURIZING CREAM

2011-12-20T13:04:00.001-05:00

In the short time that Cetaphil Mositurizing Cream and I have become acquainted, we've fast become the best of friends. I take my body lotions very serious and can now say that I've found my ultimate favorite. It's nothing fancy, expensive or exclusive (can be found in your local drugstores) - but this cream leaves my skin so soft without feeling greasy or heavy, despite its rich consistency.

Have you used Cetaphil's Moisturizing Cream? How do you like it?

sweet bahamian breeze.

2011-12-16T22:54:00.000-05:00

My Friday nights are typically reserved for date nights with the husband, but since it'll be another couple of days before I see him, I spent my night with someone else - my 11 year old sister. I have to admit, one of the things that made me apprehensive about moving back to New York was being away from her, although she's quite a handful. We've always been close and since my mom has been a single parent for most of Lil Sis' life, I took on a good amount of responsibility in helping to raise her. It's weird to sometimes hear her call me "mom". I will never take anything away from our parents, as they both work hard to give her the best life possible - but it's amazing that at such a young age she acknowledges my contribution as well - often referring to me as her second mom.

Before I get too mushy - I wanted to spend some quality with the Mini so I took her out to dinner. She wanted to go to The Cheesecake Factory, but I told her we should try something different as we've been to CF many times! It was quite the debate, but since I was behind the wheel and had the cash to pay - I won! Despite living in South Florida for years, I'd never eaten at Bahama Breeze. I was always curious about it, since the building itself is designed to look like one from the islands but never went in. As soon as we went inside, Lil Sis was sold. From the building construction to the music, we definitely felt like we were in The Bahamas (one of her favorite places to visit).

Grilled Jamaican Jerk Chicken with mashed potatoes, pinapple and string beans

I usually get nervous about ordering anything that says "Jamaican" when I'm not in a authentic Jamaican spot, but I was curious. The meal was excellent. I actually don't like pineapples, but it tastes amazing with chicken - I never knew that. The mashed potatoes were unique, I enjoyed every bite. I'm gonna have to find a similar recipe like this dish to cook for the Hubby.

Lil Sis ordered one of our favorites - Spinach & Artichoke Dip with Chips

Sharing my dinner with Lil Sis, little by little

The piece de resistance: The Chocolate Island

Are you falling apart by looking at this?

Lil Sis enjoying the cake a little too much

Brownie base | Chocolate Mousse | Covered in Dark Chocolate | Topped with whipped cream

Lil Sis clearly enjoyed herself because she passed out on the way home...after I made her drink like a gallon of water of course. She also told the waiter that she needed to thank the chef because she loved everything - he let them know and they quickly waived to her from the open kitchen.

If you live near one of there locations, you should definitely stop in.

Bahama Breeze

2750 Sawgrass Mills Circle

Sunrise, FL 33323

954-845-9311

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"Most people believe my hair is a wig. They don't think this could grow out of any human's head. I think they're so caught up with the whole weave culture that they automatically assume no one would take the time to grow it out." - Angel Clouthier

2011-12-16T16:06:00.000-05:00

"When I was three, my hair was the same as it is now. As I got older, in school, I started putting it back because I was going to school with mainly white people-- and this hair is just not dull... So I straightened it out and went down that path. That was a nice, fun journey of bad hair experience."

"When you come back from abroad, something stays with you. You try to find a balance in American society, with this constant need for the newest phone or electronic. It's always, 'Oh, the new iPhone 4, the new iPhone 5 is coming out. You have to get it."

I've been seeing Angel and her amazing mane around Tumblr but had no idea who she was. While browsing through StyleLikeYou, I was pleasantly surprised to see a feature on her, her style and of course - that fro!

photos + video via here

Ingredient Index | ARGAN OIL

2011-12-14T18:44:00.000-05:00

Every so often, the cosmetics industry markets an "exotic" product to grab our attention. Whether your hair is natural or relaxed, your skin is acne prone or dry - chances are you've heard of Argan Oil by now. It's been a beauty secret of Moroccan and European women for ages, but the secret is finally out in North American. This natural yet luxurious oil is rare and limited in supply, as it only derives from only a small growing area in South Western Morocco. If you've never heard of this "Liquid Gold" or have yet to add it to your regimen, chances are you'll be running out to get some today!

HAIR |
Moroccan oil has numerous benefits whether your hair is natural or relaxed, but is essential if you have dry hair. So whether your fro is experiencing a lack of moisture, or your relaxed hair is over processed from heat or perms - your hair will become revitalized. The high percentage of Vitamin E in this oil restores shine while locking in moisture. Antioxidants work to repair the damaged cellular membrane in our hair, therefore aiding in strengthening the hair shaft and promoting elasticity. For those who have color treated hair as I do, Argan oil but be a great treatment to bring back smoothness to our hair and restrengthen the protein bonding in our hair structure.

Moroccan Oil

SKIN |
Don't think Argan Oil benefits are only limited to your hair! If you're seeking to even out your skin tone, rid your skin of blemishes, stretch marks or want to have an overall healthy complexion - this may be the natural remedy you've been looking for. Dry and acne prone skin with benefit exponentially from this oil, but it's said to help with psoriasis and have anti-aging properties as well.

Josie Maran: Whipped Argan Oil Ultra-Hydrating Body Butter

NAILS |
Are your nails dry, brittle and constantly breaking? Try soaking them in Pure Argan Oil which will also make your cuticles soft and more manageable.

Want to purchase 100% Pure Argan Oil?

http://www.fromnaturewithlove.com/

http://www.camdengrey.com/

Use it as you wish to create your own mixtures or use it in this form for your hair, skin and nails.

DECEMBER BIRCHBOX + BLOG UPDATE

2011-12-14T18:29:00.000-05:00

Greetings from Sunny South Florida everybody!!!! The break from the cold New York weather is very much welcomed, although I'm starting to miss my husband already :(

I was so happy to see my Birchbox in the mail prior to leaving for my trip this morning! As I mentioned in a previous post, for a $10 per month subscription, you receive 4-5 luxury beauty samples. This is a the perfect way to learn about new products, sample products before investing in a full sized container - or if you're like me and not faithful to any brand in particular - you can test out a bit of everything.

This is my first Birchbox, but I'm sure I'll be a member for as long as they're around. Who doesn't love receiving surprise gifts in the mail every month?

Within each package is a message from the Birchbox team, as well as a breakdown of each item included in the box, and the cost of the full size product. If you're looking to pick up a few things for yourself or for your loved ones for The Holidays - Birchbox is donating 100% of profits from the full sized containers to Baby Buggy.

Here are the contents of my box - which came with 2 extra goodies!

Obsessed with my fro, I'm most excited to try out the Amika Oil Treatment. It contains argan oil, which is all the rage in the cosmetics industry right now. If you're not familiar with argan oil, I have an upcoming post which breaks down this ingredient - including information on all it's benefits for your hair, skin and nails!

Once I get a good amount of use from these products, I'll be sure to post a review.

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Dear Readers, I Need Your Feedback PLEASE :)

2011-12-13T07:43:00.001-05:00

Myself On My Wedding Day

This blog has gone through many changes since it's inception in 2008. It originally started as a wedding planning blog and after that became an open diary of my life more than anything else. As the new year approaches, I'm looking to change a few things in my life for the better, and this blog is one of those things. I've changed it a couple times trying to get it right but eeehhhhh. To be honest, I'm so sure that I'd like to use this an open diary anymore but I am sure that I'd like to blog everyday about something I'm extremely passionate about - makeup, skincare, style, natural hair etc. Since becoming a makeup artist and skincare specialist {check the portfolio } a few years ago, I've had lots of family, (blog) friends, acquaintances, etc ask me if I have own resource for them to read online with all my knowledge. Since becoming natural, I've frequently had the same question as well since quite a few people around me are thinking of going natural, in the beginning stages or have little girls without relaxers whose hair they're getting frustrated with.

That being said, I'm thinking of doing one of two things:

A)
Erase this blog but map the address to the new blog, which would automatically allow you guys to follow without having to add a new blogroll/follow a new blog.
Basically when you come to this site, you'll automatically be referred to the new site.

OR.

B)
Part 1: Make This Blog Open To Invited Readers Only
I've shared A LOT here...maybe over shared a little...I can't say I'm as comfortable with that anymore. Invited readers would be those of you who already read it anyway (I wouldn't shut you out). Besides, I would have love to have a space to vent occasionally without worrying that someone I know will read it

Part 2: Create A Separate Blog For My Makeup/Skin/Style/Hair stuff
That way, you won't be automatically referred over there and you can make the choice on whether or not you'd like to read - maybe you could care less about makeup and all that crap and don't want to even read about it and that's ok.

I'm thinking PLAN B, but I'm curious to see what you all think

will work best/be easier for you all.

. . .

So what do you think everyone?

{note: new change will take effect January 1, 2012}

PS: I GOT MY WEDDING PICTURES YESTERDAY!!! YES AFTER 2 YEARS, I FINALLY GOT THEM AND IT'S NO ONE'S FAULT BUT MY OWN - MY PHOTOGRAPHER WAS GREAT :)

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Christmas Beauty Wishlist

2011-12-06T09:27:00.000-05:00

1. So I'm not willing to spend the $30 on the Tom Ford Nail Lacquers...but that doesn't mean I can't wish for it.

2. After the highly successful Naked palette from Urban Decay, they've recently released Naked 2 and everyone is loosing their mind over it. This palette is perfect if you're looking for everyday eyeshadow that is neutral put packs a serious punch.

3. Washing your face is important no what matter what type of skin type you have. I mean, that sounds pretty obvious, but I mean really washing your face and ridding it of dead skin cells and all that you've exposed your skin to during the day. The Clarisonic Sonic Skin Cleansing Systems is all the range in skincare right now. I've only heard good things about this product and with the spa package prices a bit too steep for me to go every few weeks - I think this may be worth the investment.

4. With all the free time in the world coming up, I'm excited to go full speed ahead and start an Ayurvedic Regimen for my hair. I'd love to have a Huetiful Hair Steamer for the days when I'm conditioning my hair, as it promises to restore moisture to the hair more than 5x's than conditioner alone. There's also an attachment for a face steamer, so I could use it for facials as well. I need this!

5 & 6 : Shea Moisture Thickening Shampoo and Volumizing Conditioner: ...I guess this is pretty self explanatory - I want bigger hair! lol

7: I like to smell good and be well moisturized, so why not Juicy Couture Viva la Juicy Body Crème? Plus I'm also a sucker for Juicy's packaging. It's just so darn cute!

8. I'm in the market for a great fragrance, Coach's Poppy Frangrance smells pretty good.

On that note, I'm going to be starting a natural hair/beauty/personal style blog for the new year. I'm hoping to open it for January 1st. There will be tutorials, tips, reviews, interviews and lots of fun girly stuff if you're interested. I'll make sure to keep you all updated when it's ready to go. Thanks your support everyone, I hope you're having a great week so far :)

...do you have any beauty products you're hoping to get for Christimas?

she's having a baby.

2011-12-04T19:48:00.002-05:00

On the day that I interviewed for what will soon be my former job, I met a girl named "M". She had an amazing aura about her and we soon got comfortable with each other very fast. Very fast meaning that she told me about loosing two babies on the first day I met her. One she lost through a miscarriage another she delivered pre-term (like me) and that baby had a heart condition. I met her in February, her second child had just passed November of last year. My jaw was on the floor when she told me her story, I told her that I could not imagine ever loosing a child and that I knew if I did, I'd never recover from it.

Little did I know that during that conversation I was pregnant.

Little did I know that just a few months later, I'd loose a child too.

Fast forward to a few weeks after my daughter died. I had to go to my job to drop off a doctors note informing HR that I would be out for a few weeks. I didn't want anyone to see me, but as soon as I walked in, "M" was sitting in the reception area. If I had to see anyone, I'm glad it was her. She asked me what happened, and surprisingly I was able to get through the story without crying - something I wasn't able to do with anybody else at that time.

I felt comfort in talking to her, because she was the only other person that knew exactly what I went through and how I was feeling. She was the only other person I knew personally that had to hold her deceased baby in her arms and say good-bye. When a baby passes away, the hospital staff will always give you the option to spend time with your baby. When the nurse initially asked us, my husband and I said no. She gave us a little while, and came around to ask us again, explaining to us that this is how parents find closure. We decided it would be ok. It did turn out to be a good thing. I'll never forget how warm she was felt, dressed in a outfit the hospital provided - she looked so peaceful - her features were just like mine - she was just...asleep...

..."M" and I spoke about that for a while. She spent time with her little boy after he passed as well and our feelings were so similar - finally someone understood how I felt.

She asked me if I thought I would ever try again - I told her I wasn't sure. She looked me in the eyes and told me that if I felt that I was meant to be a mother, to never give up. She then told me she was now pregnant. My heart sank. She said she knows she's meant to be a mother, therefore she didn't have a choice but to try again. She admitted she was nervous as hell, and she didn't even announce it to her entire family in fear that she would loose a third baby.

...fast forward to now, she's only about two and a half weeks away from her due date (Christmas Day to be exact) and baby is healthy - she's had a completely normal pregnancy - another boy. I can't put into words how full of joy my heart is for her. I've never been so happy for someone in my life. I tell her all the time that she gives me hope - I can't imagine how excited her and her husband are.

I'm now at a strange place. I've accepted Jolie's death and have even submitted my paperwork for the high risk pregnancy program at the new hospital I'll be going to. They've received my paperwork, and should be getting back to me in the next few days for my husband and I to do a consultation/recommendation for my next pregnancy. From there, we'll have to do genetic testing and lots of other tests before trying to conceive again. Once I get pregnant, I'll be heavily monitored, going to the doctors more frequently, and possible bed rest for who knows how long. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the next chapter, but I am nervous. At this time, there is no scientific reason as to why I went into labor so early which puts me at a high risk for it happening again. I can't imagine going through this again nor can I imagine being in bed. barely able to do anything for months, just waiting...waiting...waiting...but I know that like "M", I am meant to be a mother, so I'm ready to do what I have to do...because I now know that I'm stronger than I thought.

...

By the way, this episode of Oprah's Lifeclass LITERALLY saved my life - true story

This Year I Am Thankful For...YOU!!!

2011-11-23T18:26:00.002-05:00

Thank you for helping through the toughest few months of my life

Thank you for reading my thoughts

Thank you for commenting and leaving words of encouragement

Thank you for tweeting me just to say hello and ask how I'm doing

Thank you for the heart-felt emails

Thank you for your prayers

Thank you for motivating me to keep going.

May you and your family have a safe and happy thanksgiving.

The Glitter Guide's Nail Lacquer Obsession On Instragram.

2011-11-22T06:28:00.001-05:00

The Glitter Guide is one of the most glamorous places on the web, featuring lovely interviews from stylish gals about town (my favorite section) as well as beauty, fashion, trends, etc. Browsing through the editors instragram page, I quickly realized that these ladies are fully immersed in this lacquer life. From OPI, to Deborah Lippman to Revlon - these ladies don't discriminate...

all photos via The Glitter Guide's instagram page

BY THE WAY, I'D LEFT TWITTER

...AND NOW I'M BACK - FOLLOW ME HERE

When A Black Girl Goes To Therapy (Part 2)

2011-11-21T19:54:00.002-05:00

I ate @ Panera Bread for the first time this past Saturday after my session

I've attended a few sessions now since being recommended to attend therapy...that makes me sound like a crazy person when I read that...anyway...I took the liberty of recommending a few people in my life to now attend therapy as well. For example, my best friend who had a melt down when I broke the news to her that J.Cole has a girlfriend - my husband who is addicted to Call of Duty...and the new CEO of my job and everyone that he's brought on should go as well, since they decided to lay me off. So I haven't told the boss to his face...but I think it every time I see him...maybe I'll do it on the last day of working...or maybe since I don't drink, I'll pretend to be drunk at the Christmas party, get on the mic and then tell him then - and then drop the mic and walk away when I'm done (extra dramatic)!!! Nah...I probably won't...

The biggest lesson that I've learned is that therapy is not going to fix you. Yes it's nice to have someone to talk to who is removed from your situation and they may even assist in guiding you - but you have to do the work. I was so far gone when I initially met this lady, I literally thought she was just going to tell me what to do and make everything better. In my mind, she was going to wave her magic wand and my pain would go away...

(sidebar)...before I go on, let's discuss why my husband should be going to a therapy because he's playing this game right now and I'm ready to break it. If your man is into video games, chances are he recently purchased Call Of Duty MW3. This game is literally the demise of (possibly) millions of relationships across the globe - it's an epidemic! Every male I know is addicted to this game - just purchased the latest one and is driving their spouses up a wall. Much to my dismay, this guy (the husband) walks into the house with a huge headset thing the other day - not for djing (which is his hobby) - but I find out it's so he can hook it up to the game and talk to other players all over the world or some crap so they could play together. Now I have to deal with him talking to these random people all the time (sigh). He needs therapy for an addition and I need therapy because we only have one tv and he's always hogging it with this game...

(and we're back...) It's been just over 4 months since everything has happened and I'm doing much better. My therapist even commented on me looking "less tense" when I saw her. Funny enough, my co-workers have been telling me that I look more refreshed and happy. I'm still grieving but I don't think I'm carrying around that self-pity and anger anymore, largely in part to the balloon release and a segment I saw on Oprah's Lifeclass where a mom experienced neonatal death as well. Listening to her speak, I finally felt like someone understood exactly how I felt...and the way that Gary Zukav explained "the soul" cut through me like a knife. I had a real "aha" moment - I'll never forget it. I know for a fact that episode saved my life.

Everyday is a process, but I've created a new normal.

While I've been doing extremely well over the past few weeks, I've been feeling myself getting a little emotional lately with The Holidays coming up. I thought Jolie would be here for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. I was looking forward to getting her, her first Christmas dress and have a tree filled with toys for her. I really thought we would be celebrating as a family of 3 this year. But I am utterly grateful for the time I was able to carry her, hold her hand after she was born, watch her daddy give her a kiss, and spend a little time with her.

Who knows things may be different this time next year.

Instead of me attending sessions once per month, we've decided on every other month for now. I'm going to get through the rest of 2011 and then go back in January. Things change so much day to day, I'm curious to see where I'll be in January...

...and as always, thanks for your support :)

Unfortunately, you may know someone who is going

through a similar situation, here are just a few helpful resources

Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death

(HAND) Helping After Neonatal Death

Healthy Hearts

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support Inc

NOTD | Tips of Glitter

2011-11-21T12:59:00.002-05:00

OPI: You Don't Know Jacques + Milani: Gold

I love glitter, so of course I paint them on my nails any chance that I get. However, I get quite annoyed when it's time to wipe them off - it seems to take forever and requires a bit of strength. I have heard though that E.L.F's Nail Polish Remover Pad's are amazing at removing glitter, so I'm going to have to get it a try - especially since it only costs $1.00 !!!

BIRCHBOX + CURLBOX (the art of product sampling)

2011-11-18T17:49:00.002-05:00

You've heard of Birchbox, right? In case you haven't, it's a monthly subscription to receive 4-5 highend beauty product samples on a monthly basis - kinda like the cosmetic version of Netflix maybe? The products sent out to you coincide with a quick questionnaire about your skin, hair type etc. This subscription is only $10 per month by the way! Of course, I'll share my treasures with you each month - I can't wait!

...and for all the naturals out there...there's a company called Curlbox (that will go live soon) that will send you sample sizes of natural hair products each month (same concept as Birchbox from what I understand). Seriously, how much money do we spend on these products? Don't you just hate when there is so much hype around a product, only to realize that it doesn't work well for your texture? Now you'll be able to sample before making an investment...and as we know, products for natural hair are an investment. I almost started praise dancing when I heard about this company - especially since Eartha (my fro) has been acting up lately (she hates cold weather). You can register at http://www.curlybox.com/ to receive word when the site goes live or you can follow them @curlbox to receive daily updates.

what do you think of this concept?

vlog: My Favorite Drugstore Body Lotions For Fall/Winter

2011-11-15T21:29:00.002-05:00

...well...here's going nothing...

As shy as I am, and as much as I hate hearing my own voice on video, I

decided to step out of my comfort zone and make a vlog sharing my favorite body

lotions for cold weather. If you guys don't think I'm a complete failure at this, I'll try

to do more videos once in a while to spice things up around here. Hope you enjoy...

...and don't laugh at me...well, it's ok to laugh if you have to... :)

Deborah Lippmann Holiday Lacquer Party

2011-11-15T19:33:00.002-05:00

Between the fact that I'll be laid off by December 31st and Jolie not being here for Christmas as planned - I'm not sure I'm going to have as much Holiday spirit this year. Nonetheless, I'm sure a little luxury in lacquer will cheer me up a little. I was browsing Deborah Lippmann's site today and couldn't stop drooling over the wide variety of glittery shades that she offers - perfect for Christmas and New Years.

Top Row: STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN | SHAKE YOUR GROOVE THING | DO YA THINK I'M SEXY?

Bottom Row: BAD ROMANCE | ACROSS THE UNIVERSE | TODAY WAS A FAIRYTALE

- all shades available here-

Welcome to LOVELOSSANDLACQUER.COM

2011-11-14T09:30:00.002-05:00

Hi friends! I know this blog has been through many name changes - but this is the final and permanent - http://www.lovelossandlacquer.com/! Besides, I learned that Brownberry is actually a bread company...so, I couldn't continue to use that name. I will contiue to blog about my loves (the hubby, my friends & family), my loss (Jolie) and my obsession with lacquer and other beauty products. Please adjust your blogrolls accordingly. I believe everyone should be redirected by Google over the next 3 days. If you have any questions, feel free to send them over to info@lovelossandlacquer.com. Thanks for your support.

our 2 year wedding anniversary (and party)

2011-11-13T15:29:00.002-05:00

Today my husband and I celebrate 2 years of marriage and a total of 7 years together. Over the weekend we hosted a party at our house for about 30 family and friends. We ate (a lot), watched the Pacquio Vs. Marquez fight (I love boxing), played Taboo (it was my first time but I did great) and danced. Originally we planned on going out to dinner or a club and all that, but I'm glad we had our own thing at home...it also helps that my husbands bestfriend is a dj - we had a helluva party. Since I was having so much fun with everyone, I unfortunately didn't remember to take any pictures. All I have are these that the hubby snapped of me when I was opening my gift from him - a gold Micheal Kors watch (which I've always wanted). Lucky for me, I'm sure my girls snapped a few photos that will be posted on good ol' Facebook.

Nail Polish: Lapiz of Luxury by Essie

great find: WARBY PARKER

2011-11-11T11:54:00.002-05:00

My glasses are my thing. Having to wear glasses since the age of 6 years old, I've always embraced them and was never the kid who'd hide their glasses in their book bag at school to avoid being teased. I actually like wearing glasses - however, I did have a small meltdown about them in preparation for my wedding day (which is so dumb when I look back on it). Having said that, I can't imagine the amount of money that has been spent on my glasses over the past 18 years. The "affordable" options always looked horrendous - I'd always gravitate towards the designer frames. Couple that with my horrible eyesight and always having to speacial order my lenses - glasses can easily run me about $500 (worse case scenario).

The folks over at Warby Parker have come up with an affordable solution - $95 frames (depending on eyesight, there is a fee for lens). Artisan crafted and vintage inspired - these styles are right up my ally. The cool thing about the company, is that you can choose 5 styles to have sent to you and try them out for a few days - glasses are returned to the company via pre-paid shipping. How cool is that?

Sticking to my thick black frame - nerd aesthetic, here are the ones I've chosen to try...

...well, I threw the Crosby in there just to try something different. When my trial pairs arrive, I'll post photos so that you can help me decide.

Happy 11.11.11

hope you made a wish at 11am

Tom Ford debuts Nail Lacquer that ONLY cost $30 a pop...

2011-11-08T20:47:00.001-05:00

...and I say "only" with every sarcastic bone in my body. Granted, if I'd won the Powerball over the weekend as planned, I'd probably buy this - but since I didn't win and my job announced on Monday that they'll be moving to Georgia and we'll be getting laid off at the end of this year - it's definitely not happening. At this moment, feel free to shed a tear for me...but not too many. In any event, just like anything else Tom Ford touches, this line is the epitome of luxury and elegance. Not only does this man know how to make a product - he always knows how to package the heck out of it too (it took me so long to get over the lip stick packaging)! I would imagine the consistency to be incredible and the color long lasting - but I may never know...unless I hit Powerball this week. As much I love adding to my growing lacquer collection, I'm going to have to sit this one out. But best of luck to you Mr.Ford - though I'm sure you'll be fine. Cheers to the dude from Austin,Texas who made his dream come true.

what do you think?

Is $30 way too much to spend on nail polish?
what's your limit?

daily beauty must-have's!

2011-11-08T18:32:00.002-05:00

Maybelline: Volume Express "The Falsies" | I'm one of those unfortunate souls born with barely any eyelashes. Even more unfortunate, I have a husband with lashes so long that they're constantly bothering his eyes (yes I'm jealous). During a drugstore run, I decided to try a different mascara than the one that I usually purchase. My eye landed on the bright purple packaging of "The Falsies" and I just had to try. I must admit, this is the first mascara I've ever used that has made my lashes appear longer and thicker with not a clump in sight. Unbelievable!

Neutrogena: Makeup Remover Cleansing Towellette's: Am I the only one guilty of going to bed in a full face of makeup? I can't be. These towellette's have come to my rescue during those lazy late nights and stressful days after work, when all I want to do is fall into bed and pass out. I'm typically able to wipe off a full face of makeup with only one sheet - but I suppose that depends on how pigmented your makeup is (so your experience my vary).

Shea Moisture: African Black Soap | My love affair with African Black Soap started years ago before I even knew its benefits (which I'll go into at another time). My best friend is African, and I would often see black soap in her shower whenever I spent the night. Of course, I would use it just because I was so taken back by seeing black soap. In any event, I started purchasing it when I lived in Florida, and although it worked pretty good,I was turned off by what a mess it made. Shea Moisture has managed to keep the integrity of the soap without the mess. I haven't had one breakout since I began using this soap and my face is the softest its ever been. I couldn't be happier!

Are there any beauty products

that you must use on a daily basis?

Living In The LAPIZ OF LUXURY

2011-11-04T23:06:00.001-04:00

I don't know how I could have forgotten to post about my nails this week when I've been getting so many compliments on them. Granted, the above photo doesn't do my nails any justice - but I can't seem to get it right,lol. During my usual Duane Reade run, I chose Essie's Lapiz of Luxury as my color of the week but I needed something a little extra. A sucker for glitter, I also purchased a bottle of Milani Nail Lacquer Jewel Fx that I put on over the Essie and I couldn't have been happier. I really wish my pictures looked better. Everywhere I've been this week, I've been asked about my nails - especially since I talk so much with my hands. The girls at work have already threatened my life if I don't bring the Milani Lacquer into the office on Monday.

the anniversary party dress.

2011-11-01T19:13:00.002-04:00

This month the Husband and I are celebrating 7 years together and 2 years of marriage...even though I feel like we've been married much longer (in a good way). I'm going back and forth with a few ideas but we do want to celebrate with friends and family as a way to say "thank you" for everyones support this year. Today I began the tedious task of finding the perfect dress for the occasion. I reached my goal of dropping 10 lbs for the month of October, but I'm still self conscious about a few body parts, which resulted me in coming home empty handed. The dress pictured is from H&M - I liked it, but it wasn't to die for. The search continues...

due date.

2011-10-28T09:41:00.001-04:00

No tears. No feeling sorry for myself. Good food. Family. The beach.

a celebration for Jolie.

2011-10-25T14:31:00.004-04:00

Yesterday (Oct 24,11) was supposed to be my due date. I used to wonder how I feel on that date, never anticipating the unfortunate event that would have occurred. After Jolie's brief time on Earth, I still wondered how I would feel on this date. Granted, babies don't usually arrive on their exact due date, but the days leading up were emotional nonetheless.I kept trying to figure out what I was going to do when Oct 24th rolled around - I knew I didn't want to go to work (my therapist agreed) but I didn't want to sit at home crying all day either. Last minute my husband decided we should head down to Florida - perfect! My mom organized a little get together for our family to come over and have a little celebration for Jolie. Before the night was over, we wrote messages on pink balloons that I had gotten for and then released them into the sky. Everyone got to say that they wanted to Jolie since they weren't able to meet her. It was definitely an emotional moment - I was able to keep it together until I saw my little sister crying. Releasing those balloons were symbolic of what my pastor told me earlier that day, that as much as it hurts, eventually I have to let go. As much as I don't quite know how and as much as I feel guilty about "letting go", I know that I have to in order to be a good mom to my future children. She'll always be my first born, and her brothers and/or sisters will know her when they're able to understand but I can't carry around this sadness and anger forever. That being said, there's no template on grieving and I will continue to take it day by day. May my little girl rest in peace.

ps: thanks for the pictures Kimi

LACQUER LIFE | a polka dot case study

2011-10-17T13:17:00.002-04:00

When I saw Essie's "Case Study" on the shelf, I couldn't help but take it home with me (after paying of course). I know I said I was going to leave Essie alone, but this color looked so yummy - I couldn't resist. "Case Study" is from their new Fall Collection, which consists of a myriad of rich hues that compliment the seasons. Initially when I put it on, it seemed too close to last weeks color. It didn't help that my husband asked me why I bought the same color again (men!). I ended up painting that previous color on my ring finger and realized that there was a clear distinction between the two. Once it dried, I then decided to paint polka dots to tie it in together.

I've yet to purchase Top Coat - does it really help? Is one better than the other? I need recommendations.

oprah's life class: ego

2011-10-14T10:35:00.001-04:00

I know this blog has seemed a little impersonal this week - but there hasn't been too much going on besides work and going to the gym. I have become even more obsessed with Oprah this week though. Please tell me that you're watching her new show Oprah's Lifeclass. This show has made me look at myself in a way that I never have before and I've been looking at life so differently...maybe that's why this week has been so pleasantly uneventful. My favorite episode so far as been the one about ego. Through watching that show I realized that a lot of things in my life that made me unhappy were brought on by my ego, especially the thing that seems to bother me the most - not having the career that I want. I am not an egotistical person - but we all have an ego and tend to define ourselves with things outside ourselves - our jobs, our cars, titles, etc. Watching this episode made me realize, that I am not "less than" because I don't have the career or paycheck that I want. I am enough. What I do for a living has nothing to do with who I am. It may seem kind of silly, but that was a big moment for me. That was where my personal ego, came into play. For you, it may be something else. For Oprah, it was her weight.

Have you been watching Life Class? Which lesson most resonated with you so far?

MY WEDDING FEATURE + You Don't Know Jacques !!!

2011-10-12T11:50:00.004-04:00

Apparently, Essie is no match for my frequent dish washing, constant house cleaning and nightly twisting of my afro. As much as I love their 5th Ave color, I was barely getting any wear out of it before it would start chipping away. I hit up Duane Reade yesterday for one of my (now all too frequent) drugstore beauty product fixes. I was on the hunt for the perfect neutral shade for Fall, and I found that in "You Don't Know Jacques" by O.P.I! This is totally different from the bright shades that I'd typically purchase (usually some shade or red or pink). I love it! I think this is my new favorite...I also think I'm developing a nail polish addition...and I HAVE TO get my hands on that Rainbow Connection shade that's included in the new Muppet Collection.

I also wanted to let you know that I was interviewed by the super sweet Audrey over at "Chronicles of A Future Wife" where my wedding is featured today. Make sure you stop by and check it out. Enjoy your Wednesday!

Reader Question: How To Get Rid of Acne + Scars

2011-10-10T12:21:00.001-04:00

Reader Question: I just read your post on Honey and I was wondering something.

My face breaks out like crazy and sporadically. There are days it's ok and others when

it's out of control. Do you have any tips to reduce the amount of acne/breakouts on my face?

And when it comes to discoloration (from popped pimples and such)

do you have any tips to make them better?

- M

Water should be your new best friend! I cannot stress the importance of drinking water if you have acne prone skin (it took me forever to figure this out). Part of the reason for acne flares, is the imbalance of hormones in our bodies - by drinking water, you're flushing out those excess hormones that aid in causing breakouts. Water also carries nutrients to every part of the body, so it will hydrate your skin by delivering the proper nutrients needed for skin repair.

Create A Regimen & Be Diligent With It! Creating a regimen is essential to reducing acne. Washing, toning and moisturizing your skin should be done both morning and night. With acne prone skin, it's extremely important to keep your skin clean and ph balanced. In addition, exfoliating once a week is great as well to make sure you don't have an dead skin accumulating, which would then create more breakouts. When looking for a regimen you want to purchase products that either contain salicylic acid or benzoyl peroxide.

1 | 2 | 3 | 4

- Try The Oil Cleansing Method. I haven't personally gotten around to trying oil cleansing method as yet (hoping to order my oils soon and I will share my personal experience with it) but everyone who has done it swears by it and no longer feel the need to purchase commercial products. The OCM involves applying oil directly to your face. You're probably thinking, "if I have oily skin, why would I put MORE OIL on my face?" - hear me out...oil actually dissolves oil. By using the correct oils on your face, you'll actually be cleansing your pores of bacteria. For acne try Jojoba Oil, Grapeseed Oil, Hazelnut Oil or even an Evening Primrose Oil { most of them can be purchased here }

If You Wear Makeup, make sure it's not oil based. Ever get those tiny little bumps under the skin and can't figure out where they came from? It might be your makeup. Some makeup brands are commedogenic, meaning that they clog the pores. You need to avoid these like the plague! They will only complicate your skin further. Be on the look out for water based or mineral makeup which are non-comedogenic and in some cases will actually help your skin.

Change Your Pillow Case Often You want to make sure that you're face is on a clear surface every night

Preventing & Treating Acne Scarring:

- Do not pick at your face. Popping or picking at pimples will both increase your breakouts and leave scarring.

*** To get rid of exhisting acne scars, I always suggest a microdermerbrasion (this treatment will change your life, it reduces acne as well as scars). If you don't have the extra cash to shell out to an esthetician or dermatologist for this treatment, you can always purchase an at home kit to do it yourself.

- Chemical peels are also done by an esthetician or dermatologist. But let me say, only do this if you have to and make sure you do an extensive amount of research prior to chooseing someone to perform this procedure on you. This would be the absolute last resort, but when done effectively, the results are amazing.

- ...and of course, you can always go the home remedy route by experimenting with rubbing Rosehip Seed Oil on your face for 15 minutes per day, applying aloe vera gel or juice to the affected area when fresh (it reduces the chances of permanent scars), using lemon juice as a spot on treatment may be beneficial as well

I hope you've found this helpful and if anyone has any

questions about todays post or has any other skincare questions, don't hesitate to shoot me an email

Use HONEY To Get Picture Perfect Skin This Winter

2011-10-05T10:00:00.002-04:00

Long time readers of my blog know that I've been promising to post skincare and makeup tips forever, but I haven't. I have to say that I'm obsessed with skin - mainly because I had the worse skin growing up. I've suffered from acne since the age of 8 years old and have used every product and have gone through every treatment known to man. While I was home in Jamaica a few years ago, I went to my favorite spa and had an "aha" moment while there. Upon returning to The States, I immediately enrolled myself in school to become a Skin Care Specialist/Esthetician. I attended those classes during the day, while simultaneously attending makeup school at night.With the wealth of knowledge that I accumulated, I've been able to help others as well as myself. I now think it's hilarious when people tell me I have great skin because they have no idea what a mess my skin used to be and the process I've had to go through to get it under control...well, when I'm not being lazy.

With the impending arrival of Fall/Winter, I thought this would be the perfect time to share some affordable skincare tips with you lovely ladies. Save some money to put towards your holiday gifts and look to your pantry to find what you need to have great skin.

Todays lesson is on HONEY - a natural moisturizer.

The biggest challenge for our skin with cold weather, is that it gets dry. Between the harsh winds outside and turning on the heat inside, you're prone to loose some moisture.

Honey is a humectant, it pulls in and locks in moisture while replenishing moisture levels. However, it's important to note that it will not make your skin oily. Honey will leave your skin supple, as it supports rejuvenation and also aids in protecting the skin from sun damage, acne and works as an anti-aging ingredient as well.

Here are a few simple ways to incorporate honey into your skincare routine this season:

Honey Bath|

Add 1/4 cup of honey to your hot bath water for silky and luscious skin.

Honey Face Scrub|

Ingredients:

1 tablespoon honey

1 tablespoon finely-ground almonds (almonds are a good exfoliant)

2 tablespoons dry oatmeal

Add a bit of yogurt (or you can use lemon juice) - add as much or as little as you need to get it to the texture of your liking

Directions: Massage the mixture gently your face face and then rinse with warm water.

Honey also works wonders on hair - but I'll touch more on that later. Do you have skincare questions? Feel free to shoot me an email (curlyandnerdy@yahoo.com) and I'll answer your questions here on THE BROWN.BERRY

when a black girl goes to therapy...

2011-09-23T12:32:00.003-04:00

[ photo credit: for me, for you ]

There are moments when I'm in the middle of writing a post and then I think, "I'm sharing way too much" and will then proceed to erase everything. I would like to think that one of the reasons you read my blog is because of my honesty (although I generally try to keep things light around here), but sometimes I think I may be putting a little too much out there. This post in particular is one that I'm on the fence about, but I do believe that I'll be hitting the Publish button for a few reasons. Since my daughters passing, I've received emails for some of you who have been through similar situations or know someone who has (or is currently going through it). As a woman, the worst thing that could ever happen to you, is to loose a child or have a pregnancy come to a tragic end due to miscarriage, preterm labor or stillbirth. After my own loss, women I know have opened up to me about their own situations - some of these women are those who I've known my whole life that I'd never knew this about prior. My co-worker shared with me that her daughters friend recently lost her baby to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome at 3 months old - another friend lost twins 7 months along in her pregnancy - a woman I know lost her first two babies, one a miscarriage at six months, and the second went full term but was still born, before she went on to having three more children. Another woman I know can't get pass being two months pregnant, she miscarries at that point every single time. Someone else I know gave birth to a stillborn little girl, and has yet to recover from it 14 years later.

There are couples who have lost their marriages over this. One woman pulled me aside and with a stern look in her eyes she told me, "Don't forget about your husband because he is hurting too. When that happened to me, I forgot about mine." - she is currently divorced, and from that statement, I safely presumed that her loss of pregnancy was at least part of the reason. During a recent conversation with my pastor he asked how this was affecting our marriage - because it does have an effect on your marriage. In my case, loosing Jolie has brought my husband and I even closer together, if that was even possible. I have such greater respect and love for the man I married and although I believed in his love for me before, I can say without a shadow of doubt that he loves me. I was not in the right state of mind after this initially happened he made sure to never leave my side when I was in the hospital - not to go home and shower, not to eat and even slept in the hospital bed with me every night despite how uncomfortable that was for him.

Despite all the support I have from my husband, my friends and my family, it's become clear to me that I may need additional help. A few weeks ago I went to the hospital to pick up a picture of Jolie that I'd been waiting on for what seemed like forever. It didn't go very well. Let's just say that I wasn't allowed to look at the photo for a while after that, and when I did look at it again a few weeks later - it was completely different from what I saw initially, or rather, what I thought I saw. Granted, I have a picture of Jolie on my cell phone - it doesn't bother me at all. Whenever I think about her, I look at the picture and I smile. But in the new photo I've received, all I see is a dead baby. I got so angry the first time I saw it - angry at the nurse for bringing me this picture, angry at the person who took the picture, angry at myself - I was not well.

During that visit to the hospital, the nurse referred me to someone after seeing what kind of state I was in...I'm sure she thought I was a nut job. I'm going to my first appointment tomorrow. I don't know what to expect. Am I gonna have to lay down on a chaise and purge my feelings? Is she going to think I'm crazy and have me committed into a psych ward? What kind of questions will she ask me? Is this even going to help? Who the heck is this lady anyway?

What I do know is that I would eventually like to have people not look at me with such sadness for me in their eyes anymore - I would like to not feel sad everytime I see a pregnant person or a newborn baby - I would like to stop having random meltdowns - I'd like to stop asking God, "why?" this happened to us - I'd like for my husband to not find me crying with our daughters urn in my hand - I feel bad about not being able to go to my husbands, cousins baby shower this past weekend, and not even being able to bring myself to go into Babys'R'Us to pick up a gift - I'd like to not have to change the channel every time a commercial comes on with a baby in it...I'd like to be able to enjoy my next pregnancy without being paranoid and I'd like to be in the moment with my next child and not heavily grieving over the first.

I entitled this post "When A Black Girl Goes To Therapy" because therapy is such a taboo thing in the Black community and practically non-existent in the Caribbean community. For whatever reason, we don't feel like we need it, and should you admit to going, you'll get the inevitable side eye usually followed by a rampage of questions as well as the occasional belittling comments. I'm not gonna lie, when one of my good friends told me she was going to therapy for depression a few years back, I could not for the life of me understand why she needed to talk to a stranger about her feelings - a lot of us didn't - now I get it. I told another friend of mine that I was going to start going, and she admitted me that her and her husband had been to a few counseling sessions and it has helped their marriage tremendously. She then said, "you know Black people don't like counseling - but it works" - lol.

Fortunately for me, my family and friends are very supportive. I'm nervous but excited to be moving in a positive direction.

I don't really know what my purpose is in writing this post today. Maybe someone, somewhere needed this today - or knows someone who does. Maybe someone may need it in the future.

I guess I want you to know, if you've been through something traumatic, or something that you feel you can't handle - it's ok to seek help, it doesn't make you weak. Or maybe you may be looking down on someone you consider weak, please know that they're not. We never know what someone has been through or are going through. Even if they share their story - you still may not grasp the severity of it, especially if it isn't something you've been through yourself.

Hiding one's feelings isn't good either. It will somehow manifest itself into some other area of your life.

I'm not an expert on anything. The only thing I do know, is that holding my deceased baby in my arms to say goodbye to her just a few hours after giving birth to her and watching the nurse take her away a few minutes later knowing that I would never be able to hold her again is not an everyday occurrence or something I can just "get over".

to therapy I go...

vegas: in conclusion

2011-09-21T23:02:00.002-04:00

So these are my last batches of my vacay and then I'll shut up about it...I promise.

In all, I LOVE Las Vegas! There was so much to process when we got there, that we didn't do half the things that we initially planned on doing - so I'm definitely looking forward to going back in the next few months. We already have the placed lined up for where we're going to stay next time and it's SICK! But let me not get ahead of myself...on the last day I was so not ready to leave. Vegas is certainly a place to go to escape and create your own version of reality...Lord knows I needed that!

the ceiling of The Venetian Hotel

our amazing hotel...we love it there!

I'm not the only one who recently left town - check out my cousin's recent trip to Puerto Rico .The Mr and I were planning on soaking up the sun in PR for our anniversary this November, but since he already took time off for LV, it doesn't look like it's going to happen. For now I'll live vicariously through Kimi.

on our third day in vegas {beyond photo heavy}

2011-09-19T10:36:00.002-04:00

we hotel hopped + we ate

and oh yea...I was called on stage during

"The Mentalist" and my husband didn't

record it...he has since been fired as my video guy

on our second day in vegas.

2011-09-16T10:50:00.003-04:00

First off...why is it so cold today? I went for a walk at lunch yesterday and it was gorgeous outside, by the time work was over - it was freezing. I mean...it's not FREEZING per say - but this cold front just means to me that winter is going to show up any second. I'm so scared. It's probably going to start snowing tomorrow - I can't do this people. Winter never bothered me before when I lived here, but after living in South Florida for a couple years and coming back - I can't do it anymore.

...you guys don't care about this right?

...yea didn't think so...

...back to the Vegas pictures...

my outfit for the day.breakfast via room service.essie "fifth avenue"

It didn't take us long to realize that most of our money was going to be spent on food. I wish someone had told me how expensive food was in Vegas! There was food everywhere - delicious and luxurious food! I ate so much with not ounce of guilt - mainly because I was walking up and down That Strip in the hot sun...I know I burned a ton of calories. Besides, its vacation - who cares? My husband went in on his seafood plate at lunch - mussels, salmon, lobster and pasta. The waiter said my hubby was the first person he's ever seen finish that entire plate. We also ate a chocolate cake for dessert, that had chocolate mousse and chocolate sauce on top - it took us hours to eat it little by little because it was so sweet.

this place is so cute, it's called "Sweet Chill"...it was located in our hotel

We had to stop by Jean Philippe's which was located on the 1st floor our hotel. I've been wanting to try French Macaroons FOREVER and I figured that my first time should be from a world renowned pastry chef. Of course I got distracted by everything. I was a kid a candy store - literally! I felt bad for my poor husband who had to deal with me spinning in circles...touching everything...smooching my face against glass displays...eventually he bought me the macaroons and dragged me out of there.

Reflecting back on these pictures are a sweet ending to my week - I'm so glad I decided to go on this trip. My real life is so serious right now and I have a lot of heavy stuff coming up that I'm mentally preparing for. I have lots more pictures to share - thanks for stopping by and showing love!

Enjoy your weekend everyone.

Paris...in Vegas

2011-09-15T11:25:00.003-04:00

Our travel to Vegas was brutal! We barely got any sleep the night before the trip and then had to be at the airport around 5:30am to catch a 7am flight. Then we had a four hour layover in Utah and landed in Vegas at 2:15pm which was actually 5:15pm New York time. By the time we got to the hotel we were hungry and exhausted. As soon as we got to our room, we opted for the high priced room service because we needed food right that second, lol. I do have to say, the food was amazing even for the casual dishes that we ordered.

After a soak in the tub we hit The Strip to see what it was all about. I immediately became enamored with the Paris area since that is one of places I'm dying to visit. The architecture was amazing and the outdoor cafes were reminiscent of what I've seen from the actual city on tv. Not before long, we found ourselves tired from the traveling and the time difference. We joked that as we were on our way up to the room, everyone was getting ready to leave.

our hotel @ night

the light fixtures by the elevators that I was obsessed with

LAS VEGAS | Our Room

2011-09-13T13:17:00.003-04:00

This Las Vegas trip was intended to be a surprise gift for my husbands 30th birthday - although he ended up finding out days before the trip we still had an amazing time. Not knowing a single thing about Vegas, I asked my friends for hotel suggestions and ended up settling on this one...and I was not disappointed. With it's masculine and modern decor, I knew this room would be right up my husbands alley. By the touch of a button, you can control everything in the room from the navigation remote - lighting, the curtains, temperature, privacy settings for the room - there was barely a reason to leave the bed. The service at this Five Diamond resort was exceptional - we loved it here and wouldn't mind returning in the future. I have lots more to share about the resort itself, but for now, here is where we laid our heads for the duration of our trip...

the view from our room: one of the pools from the adjoining Cosmopolitan Hotel

a quick video from vegas

2011-09-12T11:14:00.003-04:00

Las Vegas is so awesome!

We're already planning another trip to come back!

We also made a life changing decision while here that I'm nervous about, but I know

that it's all going to work out and be beneficial to us and our future offspring.

While we head back home and I sort through the millions of photos I took, I wanted

to share a video of the husband and I watching the water show at The Bellagio...

cheers to LABOR DAY WEEKEND!

2011-09-04T15:50:00.002-04:00

I can't wait to go out tonight for my husbands Pre 30th Birthday party!

Stay safe everyone!

Day 1: A picture of you & 15 interesting facts about yourself

2011-09-01T19:38:00.002-04:00

I'm jumping on this 30 day blog challenge with Ro because I've never done one before!

Battery Park, NYC

1. I'm only 4 feet and 11 inches tall (you're laughing at me right now aren't you?)

2. Unattended wet napkins make me nervous

3. If my glass is wet, I have to dry it before I can put my drink in there (yea..makes no sense to me either)

4. I have a degree in Fashion Merchandising, a certification in Multi-Media Makeup Artistry and was once a Florida State Licensed Skin Care Specialist (lost that cert when I moved out of state obviously)

5. At my 7th birthday party, I changed my outfit 7 times because I couldn't decide which outfit to wear...I also caught the chicken pocks from my friend Ashley at that party - damn her!

6. I've never been drunk before (I'm not a drinker...I've done 3 shots in my life)

7. I've been wearing glasses since I was 6 years old and am handicapped without them

8. I can tap dance ((::starts tap dancing::))

9. I'm a middle child of 3 girls

10. I met my now husband in a parking lot, his best friend was trying to get with my best friend - they never worked out - we got married

11. Chocolate is my drug of choice

12. I have a slight obsession with Rick Ross (BIG SEXY)...which only got a little worse after I worked on a photo shoot with him (UUUUGGGHHHH!)

13. As far back as I can remember, I've always dreamt about becomming a novelist

14. I am madly, deeply in love with my hubby

15. Every night before bed, my husband and I tell out daughter "good night" and kiss her picture

pain brings alchemy.

2011-08-26T12:17:00.002-04:00

going for an evening walk @ the beach.

Exercise has become a new way for me to deal with stress. I've never been one to enjoy exercise, so this is a strange thing...maybe even proof that I've officially lost my mind. Working out gives me something to focus on, and once I'm done, I feel amazing. My first Zumba class yesterday was so much fun - I think I'm hooked. I've even made a new friend at the gym (yay)! The only bad thing, is that sometimes I don't want to leave the gym because I know that once I leave my mind is going to start traveling all over the place & start playing tricks on me.

Before leaving the hospital, the nurses gave me a list of support groups that I could check out - I did want to go but I never did - however, I've recently realized that it may be a good idea. I've also contacted my moms pastor (who I love) to guide me through this process. I'm doing ok for the most part, but some days are really bad. I can't even put into words what those days feel like but what I can say, is that those days make me realize that I do need help.

Since I can't stay in the gym all day, everyday - I'm on the quest to finding other things I can do to occupy my mind. I was thinking of going to the craft store this weekend to buy some canvas and paint, but we're about to get hit by Hurricane Irene, so I may have to put that off, lol. First an earthquake on Tuesday and now this - Mother Nature is not playing this week - I can only imagine what winter will be like :(

a moment with my fro: SHEA MOISTURE

2011-08-23T16:35:00.010-04:00

Shea Moisture products have literally saved me from resorting back to a relaxer. As many naturalista's know, this can be a frustrating process, especially when you're still in the stages of learning about your hair. I'd see products working magic in some girls hair and be a complete flop with mine! During a Target run, I checked out the natural hair section (sometimes I'm still in shock that there's such a section) and decided to test out Shea Moisture. I couldn't believe the price for the size of the containers - you know companies are famous for trying to stick naturals for our entire paycheck for one product. I have to say, I've been hooked since taking a chance on these products! The quality for the price is out of this world. Never have I used a product that has made my hair so soft and manageable.

The Curl Enhancing Smoothie is my absolute favorite, doing exactly what it promised! This product gives my curls LIFE dddahhhhlings! I haven't used another product that has given me this much bounce curl and shine. The Hold & Shine spray has been essential this summer, making sure that my curls don't turn into a hot mess despite this nasty New York humidity.

PS: There was definitely an earthquake in New York today - a 5.9! Uuummmm...for a second I thought, "yup, the world is coming to an end RIGHT NOW!!!!". I haven't been in an earthquake since I was in the 1st grade back in Jamaica - and I'm freaked out because this isn't a usual occurrence in NY - well not quakes that we actually feel anyway. Our planet is in trouble. Where's Captain Planet when you need him?

day trip to The Jersey Shore...

2011-08-10T10:19:00.002-04:00

thank God I had gotten that pedicure right?

This past Saturday my girls and I ventured to the Jersey Shore for the day to get a change of scenery and escape New York for a bit. They are all obsessed with the show "Jersey Shore" while I've only watched about two minutes of the first episode from the first season. I'm positive it started to make my brain melt - haven't watched it since. This is my first big outing since everything happened - it was so much fun to walk around The Shore and pretend to be in junior high again. We ate, went on rides, laughed, hung out on the beach, saw a physic (very interesting by the way), some of the girls got hennas, passed by the house where they film the show for MTV (security told us to keep it moving) and then had a party in the car ride back home.

stone street

2011-08-08T11:35:00.002-04:00

On Friday night my bestfriend and I ventured to the city to visit her sister who has recently moved into a new place. Along with their cousin in tow, she took us down to Stone Street in the financial district for dinner at an Italian resturant. A cobble stone street with all outdoor dining (in the middle of the street), we started to forget that we were in New York as opposed to being somewhere in Europe.There was a cool breeze to keep the summer heat at bay and the food was amazing, although regretably, I can't remember which resturant we ate at.

I love to discover new places.

Sally Hansen Salon Effects

2011-08-05T10:49:00.003-04:00

I'm so excited to have finally gotten my hands on the Sally Hansen Salon Effects!

For a girl like myself who is "challenged" at painting her own nails, this is truly a gift! They come in all sorts of funky prints and colors - I really wanted the cheetah print (since I'm going to the Jersey Shore with my girls tomorrow, lol) but since there weren't any in stock, I grabbed the pink glitter. It was pretty easy to do - didn't take much time and supposedly lasts for about 10 days.

I love the way it turned out!

NAIL(ING) IT!

2011-08-04T08:11:00.005-04:00

My sisters mouth fell wide open last week when she asked me when was the last time I got a mani and pedi - my honest response was, "my wedding day". By the way, that was back in November of 2009 - yes, I'm that bad at taking care of and treating myself. During a beauty supply run, we learned that a spa had recently opened upstairs. As good marketing and promotion would have it, there's a monitor at cash register which flashes photos of the spa - beautiful photos. Of course my sister and I found ourselves up there out of curiosity (just to check prices...well that's what we told ourselves). Once we got off the elevator and saw how beautiful the place was, it was inevitable that we'd have something done. We checked out the brochures - I decided to have my (dehydrated) feet done as well as my (bushy) eyebrows.

My pedicure turned out great, however I thought it was a little pricey (at $19) for what it really was - just a manicure. In the future, I'll have it done again if it's included in a package or if I get one of the specialty spa pedicures (such as the ones infused with blueberry, sea kelp or green tea). The young lady did a great job but regrettably, I don't remember the name of the OPI nail polish that I choose (but I love it).

I'm more than pleased with my eyebrows! Everywhere else I've ever gone has always made them way too thin for my liking. I'll be returning regularly for eyebrow maintenance.

The best part about my experience at the spa was the free massage that I received as my toes dried (tips are welcomed to the massause of course). I wanted to ask her if she could follow me around forever - I didn't want it to end.

My sister enjoyed her manicure - she got the Shellac nail polish which supposedly doesn't chip and lasts for 2 weeks...we'll see.

Overall, we were pleased which the service and the amount of the attention to detail provided by the staff. The spa was spotless and as a former student of skincare school I made sure to observe the level of cleaniness (I observed a nail tech meticulously cleaning down her station after a client had left...that gave me a good piece of mind). We filled out information for a membership card that we received a short time later which offers a reward program to customer.

I'm looking forward to returning for eyebrow maintanence and am eyeing their Acne Facial which I'm in desperate need of.

one month later.

2011-08-03T14:07:00.006-04:00

I know that the present is a gift, but some days are downright unbearable - yesterday started out as one of those days. I returned to work on Monday - everyone welcomed me back - I did pretty good except for a short crying episode in the restroom during the last hour of work which I was able to quickly recover from.

I was feeling ok as I drove into work yesterday morning. I spoke to my mom on the phone and since I got to work a little early, I picked up a book I've been reading over the past couple days. All of a sudden a rush of grief came over me and I just started balling. I knew I had to pick up Jolie's urn after work,so perhaps that made me extra emotional. I feel as though she knew I would be picking her up that day, because as I cried, plastered in my mind was the image of her when she was first born - I could see her as if she was right in front of me. Everything was so clear - down to her fingernails. I cried for about 15 minutes unable to get out the car. I called my husband who managed to calm me down for the most part. I wiped my tears away and started to walk in the building.

As soon as I got in one of my friends said hi to me and I just collapsed in her arms and started crying. She took me to the bathroom where I was held up for about half an hour - I just couldn't stop crying. I haven't cried that much since I was in the hospital and usually I've been able to regroup pretty quickly - not yesterday. Nothing was calming me down, I just couldn't get myself back together. Finally one of the girls got one of our managers to come in and speak to me because they felt I wasn't ready to come back to work - she agreed. She spoke to HR, who told her to have me take the rest of the week off and then call on Friday to let them know if I needed more time. I couldn't even drive. Luckily my dad lives nearby, and was able to pick me up a few minutes after I called him.

I ended up passing out on my dads couch and woke up with a really bad headache. A few hours later my best friend picked me up to drive me to the funeral home to pick up Jolie's urn. Her urn is a little copper box (now pink) that has her name and birthday inscribed, as well as a picture of a baby girl angel. I cried for a bit as we drove away.

My best friend then drove us out to our hometowns look out area to calm my mind for a bit. She also took me to Five Guys for the first time - which had the most delicious burger I've ever eaten - and I don't eat burgers, lol. She kept a smile on my face the whole time, I laughed so hard - she's been my bestfrind since I was 10 years old.

I made it home with Jolie's urn later in the evening and put it on a spot on her very own shelf that we've left open for her since we decided to get her creamated. Now she's home with us among our wedding picture and I feel like my little family is all together. Strangely enough, my mind seems to be more at ease now that she's home.

Yesterday was such an emotional day and I can't believe it marked a month since Jolie's birth.

I'm sure as time goes on I'll be able to better cope.

...now I'm home till Friday...

time waits for no one.

2011-08-02T06:08:00.002-04:00

getting a pedicure a few days ago.my first since my november 09 wedding day

Today makes it a month since Jolie was born and passed away

Today is also the day that I'll be picking up her ashes in her little urn that we picked out for her

Yesterday was my first day back at work. I was nervous. I did pretty good for the most part. But I did go to the bathroom to cry during the last hour...I managed to pull it together though to finish the day.

Tomorrow I will start a light workout at the gym.

Hennes & Mauritz's Room

2011-07-26T12:42:00.006-04:00

With all the financial responsibilities that come with adulthood, it seems that my wardrobe is suffering a horrible and slow demise. On a month long hiatus from work, I've been in a mall a few times a week (when I was feeling well), with my sister who was preparing for an upcoming trip. Although I've managed to shop with my eyes only, I succumbed to the pressure once strolling through Century 21 and H&M earlier this week.

I was so excited to be in an H&M that wasn't crowded and actually had a variety of sizes. I've been to H&M''s in Manhattan during the past few weeks - between being overcrowded with people and the ridiculously long lines, I'd always leave discouraged and empty-handed. With this location out in Long Island, in a quaint little mall, I was actually able to see the clothing, try everything on and only be on line for about a minute. With the exception of items for the husband, all the items I purchased for myself were $7 or less (per piece) - and they were all full priced (gotta love this place).

Century 21 is amazing, but sometimes I get overwhelmed by the amount of stuff. After telling myself that I wasn't going to buy anything,I spotted an awesome little jacket as I followed my sister to the fitting room - which was amazing and turned out to be only $9.99 after the discount.

I also purchased a pair of sandals from Nine West that were on sale for $19.99 - which I almost purchased full price a few months ago (glad I'd initially walked away).

In all, I was able to pick up a few things to spruce up the wardrobe at affordable prices. Although the bills must be paid and money must be saved, I had a quick reminder this week that there's still a little wiggle room to treat myself once in a while.

what's next?

2011-07-24T14:41:00.003-04:00

You were born with potential

You were born with goodness and trust

You were born with ideals and dreams

You were born with greatness

You were born with wings

You are not meant for crawling, so don't.

You have wings

Learn to use them, and fly.

~ Rumi

photo via tumblr

I was in a very negative space last night and into this morning. For the first time in my life, I have no idea what's next or even have an idea of what I want to do with my life. I seem to have run out of ideas and may have lost passion. I've never been this person. I'm known to be driven and always on the move - now I feel lost. In the past two years or so especially, I've been trying to figure out what my gift is, and what my purpose in life is. When I got pregnant, I felt as though God was giving me purpose and I began planning everything around Jolie, but now that she's gone, I'm even more confused than I was before.

I prayed. I cried. I prayed some more.

Yesterday also made it 3 weeks. I couldn't help but to wonder how things would be different had things not gone so wrong. I wondered how big my tummy would be...I tried to remember the feeling of Jolie's movements when I was carrying her...

I'd planned my life so much around bringing a child into this world in October and making all sorts of preparations in the meantime, that I hadn't really thought about anything else - so now that it's not happening anymore, I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing...I can't come up with anything.

I can't even think past today.

I pray that I will find clarity as time goes on.

heatwave: 106 degrees +

2011-07-22T20:55:00.004-04:00

As you may have heard, New York is experiencing a heatwave and today was absolutely disgusting. Temperatures reached about 106 degrees today, factor in the humidity and felt like about 115 degrees. On days like today, I'm glad I don't have a perm or weave, because I would have definitely lost my mind out there today. Big Sis and I even resorted to buying McFlurries, and from the exit to getting into the car - it melted. Can you imagine?

I was hoping to go down to Battery Park tomorrow, but I know my husband is not gonna have that in this heat, lol.

Today I went into my job to have my evaluation done. Between my self evaluation and the evaluation done by my managers, we seemed to be on the same page. I'm doing well and meeting requirements, but not going above and beyond. This was no surprise. At my last job, I went above and beyond to the point where I was working almost 60 hours a week sometimes, never spending time with my husband or family and I started getting stomach aches every time I walked into the building. With this job, I've made an effort to do what I have to do, but not get to the point where they keep adding on responsibility while my paycheck stays the same. As an over achiever, it sucks to know that I'm not working at a level that I know I can - but I have no work stress at this time and I do get awarded as the top sales person from time to time. I'm basically buying time until I get on the path to where I really want to go. I no longer want to be taken advantage of and breaking my back for companies that I don't own...but I do enjoy my current job.

On another note - it was so nice to see my co-workers. I haven't been to work since everything happened and am not authorized by my doctors to go back as yet. Although I've only known these people for a short time, they've been so supportive throughout this whole ordeal - I got so many hugs today. I thanked everyone for the flowers, the edible arrangements, the cards, the texts, phone calls, facebook messages - they're amazing!

By the way - have you ever had a Chicken Cesar Salad Pizza? To die to for!

sunday's taste of home.

2011-07-21T08:35:00.002-04:00

1. Pretty flowers outside of church 2. Hubby giving kisses to our niece

3. My favorite thing to eat in the whole world: oxtail, salad with rice and peas 4. Grace Fruit Punch

5. Red Velvet, Banana Pudding, Bread Pudding 6. My niece and me