Jolie's Story


On Saturday July 2, 2011, my daughter Jolie was born after spending just 23 weeks and 5 days in gestation at around 5 pm. After waking up in pain (which I later realized was labor ) and two trips to the hospital that morning, in which I was cleared both times to go home, my water broke in the bathroom at my sisters house. As everyone scrambled in horror and panic to get me to the hospital, my body immediately began to push her out before my sister could get me cleaned up. Before I knew it, baby was born as I sat on the couch into her fathers arms as my sister called 911.

Jolie was born alive, and I watched her wiggle her fingers and toes. Because her lungs weren't developed enough, she didn' cry. She was so beautiful. The ambulance quickly arrived, cut the umbilical cord and had my husband wrap her up with a towel before whisking her away to the ambulance. I was quickly wrapped up as well and wheeled to the ambulance to an entire block of onlookers. We arrived at my hospital within the minute and my husband quickly carried our daughter to the awaiting doctors in the emergency room. I was wheeled into the emergency room where the entire staff stared at me in disbelief before I was quickly surrounded by doctors and nurses - two of which had sent me home earlier. I felt like I was in a movie or dreaming. My shirt was being cut off me, IV's stuck in my arm and I was being asked a million questions only responding by asking if my baby was ok. I was told she was doing great and breathing on her own.

I was sent to the recovery room where all my family and friends quickly joined me. At this point because I was being told how great she was doing, I was mentally preparing my mind to having to have her stay for the next few months at a nearby hospital that specialized in premature babies. A short while later, two doctors came in and instructed everyone except the baby's parents to leave and that's when I knew things took a turn for the worse. I was told that because she was born so early, her body was starting to shut down and she wasn't responding to anything. I asked if she would make it through the night, and the doctor shook his head no. I can't remember the rest of the conversation as my husband and I both broke down at that point. I had the doctors tell my awaiting family and friends who came back into the room crying. At another point I was asked if we wanted to see her, and was taken by wheelchair to her. She was hooked up to a million machines and there was blood all over the table. I was told her organs were shutting down and she was bleeding out. I kept hearing the blood pressure machine dropping. I held her hand and smiled because I couldn't believe this was the little girl I'd been growing in my body...and then I cried because I knew she was dying. I was taken back to my room. After a while everyone left after they prayed...I can't remember if the doctors told them to leave..or my dad...I was in my own world. I had a nurse come into to help me go to bathroom and at that point the doctor came in again, I knew he was coming to tell me that she died. I saw him talk to my husband who turned his back to me, and then he left. When I got back in bed I asked my husband if she was gone and he told me yes. I can't remember if I cried. The doctor came back in and told me that she "expired at 9:56pm". I cried. I don't remember what happened after that.

A little while later I was asked if we wanted to spend time with her. I said no. In my mind, there was no way I could see my dead baby. A short time later I was asked again, we were told that parents are helped with closure by doing so, I said yes this time. At some point the nurse brought her in on the little cart. She was dressed in an outfit and still had the breathing tube in her mouth. The nurse gave her to me and after one look I said I couldn't do it and handed her to my husband. He talked to her and gave her a kiss. Finally I felt ok. I held her, kissed her, told her I loved her and cried. She looked so peaceful. She just looked like she was sleeping. But I knew she wasn't going to wake up. After a while it became too much and I had the nurse take her. I wish I spent more time with her and I wish I did have the nurse take a picture of the three of us like she asked.

Jolie was cremated a few weeks later and her autopsy showed she died only because she was born extremely prematurely - no infection.

Since Jolie's birth and passing, I've attended therapy and was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I've become focused more than ever on my Faith and positivity to help me cope. I'm lucky to have an incredible support system consisting of family, friends and you, my blog readers.

I will always grieve my daughter. No other child can take her place. I will always wonder who she would have become and all the plans I had for her will never happen. I do take solace in the fact that her soul is still very much alive and she sometimes visits me in my dreams.

She's my guardian angel.

If you'd like to read more about my story, please click the links below:

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

"God has a reason for
allowing things to happen.
We may never understand his
wisdom, but we simply have to
trust his will"

21 comments :

TheAudreyBlog said...

Hi Jin. I've seen you post about Jolie in other posts and the story always touches me. This may sound cliche' now but God has a plan, even in her passing. Praying continued strength for you and your husband.

I just noticed that Jolie and I have the same birth dates.

JIN @ Love,Loss + Lacquer said...

Thank you Audrey :)

ABOUT ME said...

Jin,

I've ready your blog since you were planning your wedding. I am so sorry for your loss of Jolie. Please know that God does have a plan. There is a blog I read where this happened to a married couple, 1 year later they were pregnant with twins. I hope it helps www.inthiswonderfullife.com

JIN @ Love,Loss + Lacquer said...

You know what, that's one of the things that keeps me going. I've read many blogs where families went through the same and now have healthy children. Thank you for recommending this blog to me.

...and also THANK YOU SO MUCH for all these years of readership! I'm humbled :)

I BLEED PINK said...

Thank you for being so brave and sharing this. I can see through this your becoming a stronger person and like others have said God has a plan. It may not make sense to us, but he knows what he is doing.

My thoughts and prayers are always with you guys!!

JIN @ Love,Loss + Lacquer said...

thank you erica :)

Toya said...

Every thought you've shared, every word you've written insures that the life of you daughter was and is real, that she was well loved by many and that she will never be forgotten or replaced. Her life taught you and your husband a deeper level of love that you will share with your other babies, because their will be other babies and more love because God does have a plan. Stayed encouraged and continue this healing and preparing for the other babies. Thanks for sharing your story, I know it has helped someone along the way.

JIN @ Love,Loss + Lacquer said...

AAhhh! I'm fighting back the tears right now - that was beautiful, I appreciate your words so much - thank you

1 2 0 5 2 said...

I've been following your blog since you were featured on Fly, and I just had to say, as much as the loss of your baby breaks my heart, I find your strength so inspiring. I admire your courage, and how despite this trying experience, your faith only grew stronger. And even though it hurts, and I can't imagine how much it hurts, I love that you still live your life to the fullest (and that's why your blog is so fun).

When more babies come, you and your hubby are gonna be incredible parents.

JIN @ Love,Loss + Lacquer said...

...now I'm crying, lol, thank you so much. I appreciate your support

likeitsgolden said...

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm in the process of losing someone right now and its like my heart is breaking in slow motion. Loss, marriage, being a parent are all experiences I think you can't really until you go through it.

JIN @ Love,Loss + Lacquer said...

very true! I'm sorry to hear what you're going through

Andrea said...

Jin-
I'm so sorry for your loss. I stumbled on your lovely blog today and found we have two things in common. A love for lacquer and a baby in heaven. My 3rd son was born prematurely at 6 months as well. We lost him on Oct 31, 2008. Not a day goes by that I do not think of him or what might have been. It was especially hard since we already had two healthy boys and were unprepared for how much pain a loss like this can cause and the hole it left in our family. My boys really miss the little brother they never got to have. I see you are expecting again and commend you on your courage. I don't know if I could willingly open my heart up to the potential of that kind of heartache again. I will pray for you and your baby's health, and look forward to seeing your family grow. I know your sweet daughter Jolie will always hold a special place in your heart and will watch over all of you from heaven! Hugs!

JIN @ Love,Loss + Lacquer said...

thanks Andrea & I'm sorry for your loss as well

Joana Florez said...

God Bless you and your family. I didn't expect to read something so heavy today, I was in tears at Starbucks. I admire your willingness to share your story with the world. Well wishes with your impending bundle of joy. =)

JIN @ Love,Loss + Lacquer said...

Awwww thank you Joana, please don't cry. It's a daily challenge but I have become a strong and more compassionate woman because of this. Jolie will always be alive in my heart.

Jonezy said...

Hi Jin, I don't know if you remember me I haven't been to your blog in a while--I thought about you today and came to visit. My heart was breaking as a read Jolie's story. I admire your strength. Many blessings to you and your family.

JIN @ Love,Loss + Lacquer said...

Hi Jonezy! Of course I remember you - long time no chat. Thank you for your words of encouragement, I hope all is well with you love.

FloridaNatural83 said...

Jin,
you can tell this was just written from the heart and it was SO beautiful. I know that you will be a wonderful mom and I feel like you. I was born to be a mother. I miscarried my first child at 13 weeks and I have been afraid to try again because I didn't want to feel that lost ever again. but after meeting you and talking with you this past weekend. you have given me hope and I thank you for that. congrats again on your pregnancy and I wish the best for you and your growing family
Amber

JIN @ Love,Loss + Lacquer said...

Oh my goodness Amber, I had no idea! I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I do believe you're born to be a mother as well. In the few hours I spent with you, I quickly realized how warm and nurturing you are - any child would be lucky to have you as their mommy. Never give up :)

Kera said...

Jin,

I've been away from blogging for so long! I'm so sorry for your loss! :( I can't imagine how hard it must be...but it seems like you are in a great place and little Jolie will always be with you. xx

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